Friday, January 23, 2009

collection 4

9/18/2006 - 2:13 AM ESTas this album unfolds i have begun to realize that it is a nocturnal record. so much different than the way the others gave a windows down summer sun/nostalgia vibe- i guess maybe thats only my own head but this one feels moonlit. the way things are different as they pass in the dark. the way we can be ourselves after dark. the coach always turns back into a pumpkin. nothing is the same at 6 am. somehow the things we say mean more in corners of dancefloors and we focus on love below the waist and outside of the head. the way they say "youre committing slow suicide" when someone lights up or cuts loose. but arent we all. everything we do just shortens our life, every breath is one less. but its what makes everything so treasured. in my head. it aint a funeral babe, i just want the headline to die. recovery is the new drug. in your average week i my head lays on so many different pillows. daylight is your enemy. im in love with lovers who dont love me except under the pale light of the moon. i want to buy (uni)som(e) sleep but over the counter doesnt cut it whether it be hearts or capsules. wreck it all, one heart at a time. sleepovers are as good at they were 10 years ago. my dog is proof of puppy love. hollywood is a good story. but best friends are better.- xo
i am watching season 3 of arrested evelopment straight through on dvd. i dont care when i fall asleep. dying laughing while the room next door is filled with snores. sleepovers are fun again.
"sleepover princes vs. goodnight girls"
for one week we are wrapping our heads around your town. its good to have words you can understand in your ear. its good to be back. (we stole this picture back). robbing lips, kissing banks under the moon.
blame Ryan Ross for me wearing eyeliner again
basking on the beaches of crocodile tear swamps.i couldnt stay away.the words are obession and always have been.heartache lite. diet love.i am a catch and release boy.kind of.put summer in a pine box.i went to sleep in june and woke up in the middle of september.making out on stretchers, getting some in the back of an hips are dry is incidental.the best versus the rest.'they wipe their feet on our dreams'.ive got 27 years hiding in the smile wrinkles of my eyes. the real ones and the fake ones take up the same space in one gives a fuck about eyes that are always leaking,besides youre just hushing headboards that are always creaking.its become apparent that there may be noone thinking of you the way i do at this very moment.were "out of the woods".but i am in love with the tree i used to lie under.eyes green with envy or brown and full of shit.or somewhere in between.i want this to be a remix of our nighttimes.posted by xo @ 12:40 AM

stagecoaches become pumpkins

puppy love vs. teaching old dogs new tricks
Saturday, April 28, 2007
"i know you may roll your eyes at this, but im just so glad that you exist"i dont care what list i end up on.the truth is, i just dont like myself too much.i thank god for the people who love me anyway and can see around inspire me to be a better person.and to let myself feel happy.i hope i bring the same to you.all sappiness aside. go download the video for the kanye "throw some d's" remix on youtube. you will not be disappointed.posted by xo @ 4:49 PM
Monday, April 23, 2007
'i plugged it into the socket and the house exploded"
yesterday in the hotel i was supposed to stay at a woman and a man took guns out and threatened to kill a bunch of guests. then the police showed up and they wouldnt put the guns down, so the police shot and killed them. in their room they found a bunch of extra guns and ammunition. i have response to this and the virginia tech shootings. i dont know what to say. i dont understand why our society influences people to do the things that they do. i am just happy that my friends are safe and that we are still ok.true love.
posted by xo @  HYPERLINK "" \o "permanent link" 8:27 PM
Sunday, April 22, 2007
"all that hate is gonna burn you up." he said "it keeps me warm at night".
my mind is a safe.if i keep it in, well be able to blow dust off our secrets before we body is an orphanagewe take everyone in.doing lines of dust and sweat off last nights stage-just to feel like you.if home is where the heart is then were all just fucked.i want it so bad id shoot sunshine into my veins.cant remember the good old days. just cant forget the "old" ones.its kind of funny the way were all wearing anchors on our shirtswhen being anchored or paused just feels like a curse...i want the weightlessness of love with the carelessness of a fucklike the way magicians spin the bird into the bars on the back of a pagelocking the bird away, except my ribs are the cagedont know much about classic cars or classic rock-but i got a lot of friends who are stuck on classic coke. i must confess i am in love with my sins.when they said we had chemistry im pretty sure this aint what they meant (me plus you plus tears plus a sedative or two).cue the water works.saline.the plant is pumping overtime to get the toxins out.not sure which is working faster, your mouth or your tear other news....
posted by xo @  HYPERLINK "" \o "permanent link" 9:13 PM  HYPERLINK "" \o "Edit Post"  
Tuesday, April 17, 2007
"all of a sudden, i miss everyone"
god been thinking. its been awhile since ive done that.except for "here and there"ssick of all the speculation.this means that, that means this.this is really the only place i can speak to anyone without people in glass towers watching thank you for do anything to keep this going forever.even in my head when i wanted to be blown off this fucking planet i still hoped that little blue record kept spinning in your room.the reason you havent seen a video of fall out boy on fuse is because of corporate litigation.the same reasons for half of what makes this all feel like its falling apart.we only did cribs because we thought it was funny. hopefully you are in on the joke. we rented fake cars, like ferraris and just goofed around the whole time.didnt even know how to open the doors.not sure if our sense of humor is gonna come across or whether it will be best friend is a dog.sometimes i miss being down all the time like it was a close friend that moved away.but sometimes the inside of my head and my heart and my stomach all meet up into this wretched combination.i just want to let myself be give anything to not give up on this.take care. sleep safe. i will write more when it comes to me.
posted by xo @  HYPERLINK "" \o "permanent link" 10:01 PM  HYPERLINK "" \o "Edit Post"  
Tuesday, April 17, 2007
the morning after, party.
pirouette next to a baby grand, send all my troubles in reverse. notes on being authentic: the fuck me red lipstick she wears comes off on her teeth- but she rubs her feet on mine to fall asleep, im not sure anyone knows this.
posted by xo @  HYPERLINK "" \o "permanent link" 2:37 AM  HYPERLINK "" \o "Edit Post"  
Sunday, April 15, 2007
i dont think that anyone feels the way i do about you now.
me and you are the cubs, you know. next year is always our year.
posted by xo @  HYPERLINK "" \o "permanent link" 11:51 PM  HYPERLINK "" \o "Edit Post"  
Friday, April 13, 2007
us vs. the house - i kind of love the odds.
its almost a new shade under those lashes.i am perplexingly optimistic.its almost got me losing my head.dodging flights.words are like teeth.only three places they can go...flashed in smiles, rotted out, or spit out in fistfights.not too sure how these end up.we are becoming who we are meant to be.we are becoming who we were.time passes like bottles between them.letting my self just float.just feel ok.being happy doesnt mean you are unauthentic.breathing life is doses you know.i love las vegas in 24 hour increments.saw the new gch video get filmed, heard a couple of new panic songs.i am equally blown away by both for different reasons.noone gets how my head feels when i lie sideways on pillows.but noone gets anyone. so who cares?i really just want to get back on the road and adventure.listening to life on mars by bowie.just snoozing with the dog...why doesnt someone make ice cubes made out of coffee so when your drink melts it doesnt get watery?a high five owed to whoever can remember the bad guy from the capncrunch cereal commercials (i think he had his own cereal for awhile), double high five if you can name his gang. and anyone that remembers the other bad guy- i dont even know what id owe you.the inside of my head is out breath from all of this jumping here and there.sometimes love is the only thing we can call our own."ive been shooting up your perfume..."
posted by xo @  HYPERLINK "" \o "permanent link" 6:21 PM  HYPERLINK "" \o "Edit Post"  
Friday, April 06, 2007
take a vote, the eyes have it. but the knives have our back.
"An ending fitting for the startyou twist and tore our love apartyour light fingers through the darkshattered the lamp- into darkness it cast us...""No you've got it the wrong way round-just shut me up and blamed it on the brown"cornered the boy kicked out at the world, the world kicked backalot fuckin' harder...If you wanna try, If you wanna trythere's no worse you could do (oh oh oh)I know you lie (I know you lie)I'm still in love with you (oh oh oh)Have we enough to keep it together?or do we just keep on pretending (and hope our luck is never ending) cant stand me now, you cant stand me...."
posted by xo @  HYPERLINK "" \o "permanent link" 7:00 PM  HYPERLINK "" \o "Edit Post"  
Friday, March 30, 2007
"...have a bandit day...."
i want to give you an "a-okay" sign in the mornings when i wake up.except that i am always midair when you stir.on a plane/feeling plain.fell out of bed.fell out of love.even monet did sketches.close quarters.head overflowing.ideas keep me up all night. i miss who i was too?except for the whole wanting to be dead thing...oh i guess and the cheating and the lies.but the rest i was ok with.some of the time.consciences are always heavier than egos. i mean trust me i know.doubled standards are tripled and quadrupled.everything inflates with time.on keyboards i put it all into reverse.suddenly it all makes sense.
posted by xo @  HYPERLINK "" \o "permanent link" 7:13 PM  HYPERLINK "" \o "Edit Post"  
Thursday, March 22, 2007
the people under the stares
me versus myself.i know that at some point the right words are gonna come to me.that they are just going to spill out.thats the only reason i still sit in these rented rooms in front of blank screens.i know deep down we can make ourselves bright.we can shine.went by the house that george from the beatles was deported from in germany was nothing special or out of the ordinary.just like anything else that makes you pause.shift in your seat, sing along out of key- crowded rooms but all moods shape shift, they are magnets on a compass.leaving the arrow spinning if it gets too close.i hadnt been smiling or speaking up as much as i used to.i have felt ugly on the inside and no matter what anyone says or does its the only thing going in my ears.except whats the point.whats the point of making it through unscathed? the whole point of this is catharsis.the whole plan is to get do the figure this all be be ok with being ok.if you catch me smiling a bit more its just cause some towtruck pulled me out of the ditched and my headlights are pointed the right way again.that being said. we are working on some covers to play on the honda civic tour- as well we are going to premiere our new video in the internet. the problem with making videos lately is that noone give you a budget for them. if you ask yourself why November Rain hasnt been made since, its because video budgets suck. this and only this is the reason you need outside support from companies to help pay for your video. but this alone isnt good enough for us. so we convinced one of em to not only help fund our video but to buy all of the ipod downloads for free----all in all this is the hardest weve ever worked on a video and we hope you like it.xx
posted by xo @  HYPERLINK "" \o "permanent link" 7:45 PM  HYPERLINK "" \o "Edit Post"  
bury me now, we'll figure out the rest later.
now and later.just like the candy.only with how i feel.gotta check the woodwork in my house, because everyone seems to be coming out of it lately.the lies i read make me laugh most of the time,but honestly sometimes it makes me not want to believe in this anymore.thank god for all the reasons i have to believe in the form of heartbeats and letters written and rewritten over again in shakey hands- shakey heads.thank god i have had so many reasons for smiles lately-not picture smiles.the kind you had before all the worry started.and i for one cant remember then.its in a history book somewhere im sure.dust it off.patrick and i are working up something youll never see academy rcord makes me smile.fob video is finally done. feels like wait/weight has been lifted.what do you expect from the honda civic tour? i want it to be our best ever.
posted by xo @  HYPERLINK "" \o "permanent link" 7:30 AM  HYPERLINK "" \o "Edit Post"  
Wednesday, March 14, 2007
ignite your bones.
i had the worst night of my life without exception.dont sleep through worry.dont cast off blame, pete.its all buying at whatever price.there is a hell for people who do this and i plan on being there to deliver it.i can only think in fists. they can put me in handcuffs, they can make me a headline-its all worth it to watch you spit out a tooth or two.seems like a fair trade to me.---------------------------------and the truth be told,i would use every cell in body to fix you if i could.
posted by xo @  HYPERLINK "" \o "permanent link" 2:42 AM  HYPERLINK "" \o "Edit Post"    HYPERLINK ""  INCLUDEPICTURE "" \* MERGEFORMATINET 
Thursday, March 08, 2007
cant talk my way out of my head,
i bought a first edition copy of david copperfield today. its from 1849. maybe just cause i wanted to touch something old besides my skin. im sick of reading of people who know so much better. we are all in the same boat pretty much, sink or swim is a great thing and all. but it just doesnt work out in my head when i think of me and my friends. flew over the outback today- kind of, the only thing on my mind was you. i dont care what they write. got arrogance stuck in my ears for a bit, i was truly more content with the ringing. fucked. in an 'its my party and ill cry if i want to' kind of way. cheeks flush. pink lips but my veins still maintain their violet hue. i wasnt built for this. i dont have the right voice or the right looks but i have twice the heart. figure that into your soundbyte or pull quote. you cant. been in hotels so much lately i cant remember the numbers on my door ever. my shower feels like the ocean but not in a fishy kind of way. more like washing off the sand, the waves breathing. id break on the shore for you, either way. i admire the fan. those who clap, those who wait in line more than anyone else. this trip has taught me that. the fan is the one who is scrutinized, constantly defending themself. the fan is the one who is constantly expected to forgive the missteps of those on the stage. expected to be waiting long before shows begin and long after they end, just for the chance of a glimpse or a wave. always brushed off, always thought of last. you are however, truly imprinted on my mind. sometimes when i am thinking of you, i mean her, but usually i mean you.
posted by xo @  HYPERLINK "" \o "permanent link" 1:37 AM  HYPERLINK "" \o "Edit Post"  
Tuesday, March 06, 2007
i am thinking...
"i love you like sid loved nancy. i love you like morrissey loves morrissey."
posted by xo @  HYPERLINK "" \o "permanent link" 10:42 PM  HYPERLINK "" \o "Edit Post"  
Saturday, March 03, 2007
i just want to be not alone.
Got the toxicologists report back. I passed with flying colors, only cause I had the answers before hand. The toxicologists miracle baby. Babybabybabybaby. "Thats the last time I'm protecting you". If I had a dime for every time I thought that the wishing well would be full. Never explained myself to anyone not that it matters. my excuses always taste salty. Been practicing my "I don't cares" into a mirror. Not sure if I've got it yet. Can't remember my lines, you know. To bed at 10pm. wake at 4am. Pressed my face up against the glass of the shower and then peered out at the world through the smear my nose made. Out my hotel room window life looks kind of like the endor moon here. I meant everything I said that night. He asked me like a doctor. And I bloomed like a garden in the moonlight. its the time of the year where everyone is blue and alone.lets flip the page on the calander.i will come back to life for you.
posted by xo @  HYPERLINK "" \o "permanent link" 8:34 AM  HYPERLINK "" \o "Edit Post"  
Wednesday, February 28, 2007
my address is whatever airport lounge. please send mail.
signs of life.i am in an airport in tokyo chewing all the gum i have left.because chewing gum is illegal in singapore.blow bubbles baby.dont you love me for more than my aliteration.god the spell check is always watching me.i am thinking of you now and again, more now though- even when i dont call.i am thinking of writing again.the songs are about you and them.sometimes, mostly.i am looking for a pair of air jordan ones like from the 80s.not to collect.but to thrash running around after you.i am looking for some meaning.stretching for some hope or faith.i only watch the movie moonwalker over and over again.cant really think on m.j. too much but he lapped everybody in the 80s.couldnt be your eyelids, that always rest closed when im running my mouth.not like i cant tell that they are rolling.sometimes its just so hard to let yourself be happy.thereisnothingbut leaving on a jetplane.dont know when ill be back again.
posted by xo @  HYPERLINK "" \o "permanent link" 10:56 PM  HYPERLINK "" \o "Edit Post"  
i am happy that you realize love still is dark and needs to be dusted off.maybe i am only happy in this realization in the early a.m.s in the neon lights off tokyo.maybe i am not happy at not even too sure myself at times.why would i ever want my moods to be stabilized.sometimes you have to break a heart to unbreak your own.i bleieve in falling in love midsleep.i believe in dreaming about you on airplanes.and yeah november spawned a monster, but so did whatever month were in right now.cursing leap years cos without them ill be home sooner.if i had a penny to my name id throw it down a wishing best when im making things worse.lets go out tonight and make some bad decisions.i miss my friends. got my voicemail"leave a message im out..."having the time of my
posted by xo @  HYPERLINK "" \o "permanent link" 8:50 AM  HYPERLINK "" \o "Edit Post"  
Friday, February 23, 2007
dont try this at home
i have let rage, sadness, and jealousy ruin every single aspect of my life."heartshapedbox".
posted by xo @  HYPERLINK "" \o "permanent link" 10:02 PM  HYPERLINK "" \o "Edit Post"  
Thursday, February 22, 2007
sweet escape
"if i could be sweet...."
posted by xo @  HYPERLINK "" \o "permanent link" 7:15 PM  HYPERLINK "" \o "Edit Post"  
Wednesday, February 21, 2007
'some people will complain if their icecream is too cold...'
i am surely one of those.
posted by xo @  HYPERLINK "" \o "permanent link" 6:42 AM  HYPERLINK "" \o "Edit Post"  
Tuesday, February 20, 2007
even my dog has worry lines on his forehead.
"you were the only face i ever knewi was the light from the lamp on the floor-only as bright as you wanted me to be"love the concrete boy.
posted by xo @  HYPERLINK "" \o "permanent link" 6:47 PM  HYPERLINK "" \o "Edit Post"  
Monday, February 19, 2007
if you get the chance to put the pieces back together tonight, ill be waiting at the edge of the bed
toast to noone. who cares. i dont care what they say about this. it is magic- not smoke and mirrors. it is real. every drop of sweat and every milemarker. remember me, or i hope you dont. i scream off my balcony at this sleeping city. my throat hurts and my hair smells like smoke. do you ever get the feeling that your insides and your outsides dont really go together?----------------------------------oh yeah im sorry for breaking your noseand my heartand that promiseand your dream----------------------------------the only thing i am sure of is- however you think of me is wrong.
posted by xo @  HYPERLINK "" \o "permanent link" 12:57 AM  HYPERLINK "" \o "Edit Post"  
Thursday, February 15, 2007
dylan went electric, who cares.
sometimes i make bad decisions like i am being paid to do so.the show was the best in awhile.couldnt bear to leave the stage almost.valentines alone.this isnt sad or self depricating.just kind of how it aint all its cracked up to be, except when youre smiling onthe mexico on repeat.blurs.loss of love and common sense.they both always pretty much go at once.i hate to sleep alone.
posted by xo @  HYPERLINK "" \o "permanent link" 4:00 AM  HYPERLINK "" \o "Edit Post"  
Monday, February 12, 2007
you are the wonder that keeps the stars apart (tidbits written on napkins and found in pockets over the last year).
weakends and springbrakes: in this town the hometeam mascot is the shapeshifter. you can take your president and your wars out in the desert. i am content with my kings and queens in nevada.everyone is an open wounds. everywhere is a masquerade.lets split this life- dont think i can take a whole one on my own. the inside of my head is a time machine. and it only goes to the past. always making different choices. taking chances/not taking chances. late night blurs vs. the clarity of morning light. never too sure who is gonna show up or whos gonna call in sick- i wouldnt trust your love farther than i could throw it. there are so many people asleep in my house right now but none of them are you.dear collector,why must i be a spade or a diamond. i just want to be kept in your hand and bet on in dark rooms. i want to be a heart. i dont want to fold. my insides beat through a p.a.- i am in a dark room off a bright yellow hallway. how many times can i sing rescue me. you are plymouth rock. you are the 4 minute mile.been raising hell but now that its grown up and moved out. i dont know what to do with years. every single one is worse than the last. like a parade of dreams breaking and marching out of my life, trampling one another. she is the wonder that keeps the stars apart. i cant breathe when i step into the shower, i tasted the blood off of the walls. sat on the ledge and watched the water bounce off of the tiles until it turned cold. goosebumps on my skin ar etiny armies of hope fighting in my heart. she thinks there is nothing between us but air. that maybe we are just insects crashing on this big rock spinning through the galaxy. i am losing my nerve.not sure how much time ive wasted. one day i just stopped keeping track."you think i am the devil. but only because i have lived in hell. i want to get out".
posted by xo @  HYPERLINK "" \o "permanent link" 3:41 PM  HYPERLINK "" \o "Edit Post"  
Sunday, February 04, 2007
there is nothing between us but air
you know the funny thing about the super bowl is that vendors need to be prepared to have t-shirts should either team win after the game. so they make up thousands and thousands of shirts saying both teams won. then whichever team doesnt win they ship those shirts off as donations to third world countries. the strangest part being that you know that someone in these countries that only knows one fact about the united states: that the bears won the 2007 super bowl.a fact which is ofcourse wrong.kind of strange.i actually wanted to see you today. and tommorrow.ive slept in every bed in this town. the way it runs yellow with cars.i go to sleep on wings tonight.
posted by xo @  HYPERLINK "" \o "permanent link" 11:08 PM  HYPERLINK "" \o "Edit Post"  
Saturday, February 03, 2007
S.orry's A.nd N.o's T.end to I.nfuriate
watched pans labrynth in the dark yesterday. we all create worlds for ourselves so we can forget theirs. ive been working on mine since i was 10.
posted by xo @  HYPERLINK "" \o "permanent link" 11:08 AM  HYPERLINK "" \o "Edit Post"  
Wednesday, January 31, 2007
paris france. my ideas cant get through the narrow streets. louis the 14th has a bit more on the island than louis vuitton but you wouldnt be able to tell. "the songs we sing are going to send us all to hell". where do you begin and end ever. threw a book out the window today, words and all. literally. it felt ignorant but like just the right thing. its really all of a matter of who you become in the middle of the night. sometimes im always going, but mostly im always coming back. two talking over cold ones in a beer garden, growing carelessness- branching out, piss and make up. that kind of thing. in the family tree of paperback books you know with that spinelessness thing thats going on.... on the eve of possiblty the best thing ive ever dreamt of, with this band- but im lying on the cold tile floor. back in new york. will see you all soon. xx."the thing id like mos tin the world, " i say to her, since at this point i might as well go on talkingto her, "is to make clocks run backward." italo calvino - if on a winters night a traveller.
posted by xo @  HYPERLINK "" \o "permanent link" 11:41 PM  HYPERLINK "" \o "Edit Post"  
Thursday, January 25, 2007
trying to slip through the cracks
dylan went electric. so did we.but in my head kind of only.nobody cared.its hard being careless, even harder to be carefree.i fight walls in hotel rooms more than i have ever slept next to someone in them.tricking yourself into thinking you matter enough for someone to remember to forget you is the best kind of magic of is fast and hard.ive seen yr world. ive breathed in it and written of it.i dont care for it though.i dont read your reviews or your clippings anymore.i try not to obsess over lonely but like a cigarette. im always being smoked. put to mouths and then put mouth moves faster than my head ever could and lets not even speak of the words at my finger tips.they are never thought through.they just come and light under the door.sometimes poets speak with their fists.trying to write my way out of was simple to write "wouldnt piss to put you out" and "kiss her, kiss her".its a bit harder to mean anything to myself.its a shame that the days that are glorified are the ones i just wish would fade.sleep on a curb. wake up with a smile.dream of sometime better.
posted by xo @  HYPERLINK "" \o "permanent link" 5:47 PM  HYPERLINK "" \o "Edit Post"  
Tuesday, January 23, 2007
ive adapted and evolved.
ive become only quite versatile and proficient and talking my way out of the worst.the only words we write and sing are tongue in cheek. they are exploring. they are laughing. they are in on the joke.the widow is not a widow but an idea in a man that i hates head.the carcrash heart is slogan wed put on a tshirt and sell in a mall. the trial is fred hampton jr. but as a metaphor.and so on.i hate unpacking. but i feel intrigued to do so after hearing you tell me how much you can and cant picture. i wont take it all apart. just to know there is something there to be taken apart.
posted by xo @  HYPERLINK "" \o "permanent link" 8:26 PM  HYPERLINK "" \o "Edit Post"  
if you gave me a course i am sure i could find a way to come off of it
he says "whats the point in starting drinking at 2am"another writes "i like looking at the bullet holes, i want to live there..."i realized what i was dreading. i dont think peopleare able to connect and relate to what i am looking for on our record. not disappointed in anyways about sales- patricks voice more than anything makes up for that. more disappointed in the feeling completely alone. rubble.writing got you in, no point in writing yourself out.ill see you in the morning with a fres perspective i hope.#your accesnts almost make up for feeling homesick.
posted by xo @  HYPERLINK "" \o "permanent link" 7:18 PM  HYPERLINK "" \o "Edit Post"  
Friday, January 19, 2007
"I had a dream that I was in mexico and I woke up with pesos in my hand."
No news is good news.Seriously.Magazine articles try to steal the good times, the best days away.These writers are obsessive and manipulative.How do I know that? Because I am too.I think anyone that observes and writes is.Its very self-serving.It means you never have to really live or adventure outside of your own head.So I withdraw.Don't take it as anything more than that.I keep writing and keep talking but to you instead.North carolina reminds me of last year-Cashing a smile I saved back then, for a rainy day.Its pouring.But I've got a smirk.Be well.And ill try to also.
posted by xo @  HYPERLINK "" \o "permanent link" 1:09 AM  HYPERLINK "" \o "Edit Post"  
Thursday, January 18, 2007
the truth is even if im shining, im just old light beamed out ages ago.
i have been typecast.a square peg forever trying to squeeze into round drink to forget,i write so i never will.cursed myself down and out for all time.i am always leaving you high and dry.i am always leaving you out in the cold.because i am regular.minus all of this.dont try and argue with manics.its not worth your breath.something about this year has got me crawling back inside my shell.its ok to breakdown.its ok to get out of your mind.dont sleep or eat for days on end- im forgetful when it comes to comfort and consistency. sometimes i am just letting you shine.even with all the greens and honey in these eyes.growing up became growing old.ive learned to keep myself be a stow away in this not make waves but sometimes scream and fight over nothing so great at all.ive been paranoid that friends would kill me,i know ive thought of killing some of then.maybe only in my head."You are my sweetest downfallI loved you firstBeneath the stars came fallin' on our headsBut they're just old light, they're just old light"everyone is always acting like there shit doesnt stink.mine does even when im pretending.the sun is coming up.the truth about lonliness is yr only as good as the company you keep.everyone is forever saying 'i miss the way things were' and missing old versions of eachother.were still here. all of us.brush your finger tips on my eyelids like you did in the glory days.i promise ill make it are all too sweet.and i dont deserve it.i never did.sorry for calling in sick on everyone.
posted by xo @  HYPERLINK "" \o "permanent link" 1:57 AM  HYPERLINK "" \o "Edit Post"  
Friday, January 12, 2007
only fools rush in...
There was a moment when the last good part of me died.It was not angry or rebellious.It was not mean spirited.It was not even dramatic.It kind of just coughed, sputtered and then died in its sleep.A collective effort in giving up.Cursed.If anyone ever really knew me, they'd string me up and leave me as a sign of what not to become.How not to turn out.My head in my hands with my fingers tight over my eyes pretending that none of this is happening.The volume is loud but the screen isn't on. Just so noone can hear me thinking.There isn't a goddamned thing that sparkles in my eyes anymore. There isn't magic in there.Can't even put a sentence together.My chest feels full of sulfur and ash.I can't stop shaking.Who can I call? Hurt the ones you love. Love the ones you hurt.Funny thing about how it all works out. When I saw you lying there blood spilled slipping and sliding in that bathtub I knew how I loved you. I saw you without makeup. Without your hair perfect. Without the words you bend to make me see you a certain way. I saw you alone and scared and knew I had to be careful with how I held you. Hope is a fragile thing. But it sticks in the back of your head. It pulses through your legs and can make you run up the stairs instead of taking the elevator. I knew I had to meet you in an aisle on a sunday morning. I knew I had to wake up to the biggest eyes I have ever seen for the rest of my life.And its just not real.Its shadows of life.Daydreams of love.They beg for an inch and take a mile.We all become parodies of ourselves.If you looked inside you'd see artifacts that'd proved I once gave a fuck.There is a reason my real smile doesn't show up too much anymore.There is a name for it.'Fuck your futures'.
posted by xo @  HYPERLINK "" \o "permanent link" 1:15 AM  HYPERLINK "" \o "Edit Post"  
Thursday, January 11, 2007
"ive got that lefty curse, where everything i do is flipped and awkwardly reversed..."
im tired of the safety of failure.i am a glass and i am dying to be filled with least thats how i feel late at night.sometimes i just want to call anyone and apologize.i had a spark,but i blue it out.i wrote your name out,just to see if it still felt natural.original.pressed it in my favorite book-to see if it might catch some luck.oasis- wonderwall.i think i was born inside out,or just kind of skipped into it.everyday i meet someone new-who doesnt get me.its this strange social nuance.sometimes i feel like my pilot light has gone out,but i always wake up in the morning anyway."you say you disturb meand you dont deserve me.but you know sometimes you say your shakinand your always achin,but you know how hard you try.sometimes it gets so hard to care,it cant be this way just gonna let you pass,yes, and ill go last..."
posted by xo @  HYPERLINK "" \o "permanent link" 1:39 AM  HYPERLINK "" \o "Edit Post"  
Wednesday, January 10, 2007
"noone cares about the man in the box"
they put us up in fancy hotels in the downtowns of every city.i think because downtowns are dead at night and i am supposed to be kept out of me and him go on walks in between the midnight buildings.breath in the air, hands in the pockets.we walk and i talk to him and to noone.i tell him all of the ideas too stupid to tell the rest of the world.he listens or doesnt listen, i cant really tell most of the time.i am a bad talker. he is a bad walker.some how it all adds up.the ghosts of everything follow us everywhere.none of us can escape them.i have the same dream pretty much once a week:i am walking him in the dark and am mugged. i get shot and am robbed. as i lay there dying i watch him standing there with a leash with noone to hold it.the dream book says its trust issues.i am thinking more of a fascination with armed robbery,sweat and tears pretty much have the same chemical make up.we burn the weight off somehow.i dont have the heart of a fighter.i dont know how to throw a punch.i will lose 9 out of 10 fights i get into.but ill stand with my friends against or lose.maybe we should not make it through the night.i like thinking about kissing you in the dirt and rolling across front yards.dont have much heart for exloves.thank god for the ignore button on the phone.watched the prestige again tonight.i am half a man, living half a life.i am homesick.
posted by xo @  HYPERLINK "" \o "permanent link" 12:57 AM  HYPERLINK "" \o "Edit Post"  
Monday, January 08, 2007
how ive been feeling is sunsets everywhere.he went into the snow for the first time was like watching them land on the moon.everything i write is just history from my perspective-a bit off of how it really up from the heels of my shoes all the way to the beating in my chest."are you in or out?"talk some sense into meim reeling from the altitude and from not being able to get through.the truth is strange and chaotic. nothing hurts quite like it.but i am addicted to it."ive got a big big mess on my hands " (youll know what im talking about soon).happy people find happiness in the gutter.if you are unhappy it doesnt matter how many zeros are added to your bank account. you will find unhappiness.i find that its alot easier to find faith than to lose it.though there is always a singer, preacher or doctor who acts like they are the lost and found bin for faith.when i think about you i want to be subtracted down to a particle that runs through your veins.i want to run through your body.sprint.i want to make you dizzy.i want to give you headaches.i want to be a part of what you need to get by.were just like a movie based on a book-almost. but not quite as good.i feel shut out in the my head only.its dark and my eyes have not adjusted yet.brand new boy, brand new year.i want someone or something to believe in.
posted by xo @  HYPERLINK "" \o "permanent link" 1:14 PM  HYPERLINK "" \o "Edit Post"  
Tuesday, January 02, 2007
'theres a world outside of my front door that gets off on being down'
we watched scenes from an upcoming movie the other day- they wanted to see if we were inspired to write. i never thought there was any part of anything else that made sense with fall out boy. but the character of this movie is as close as it seems to come. it inspired me. we wrote and recorded one new song in new york tentatively called 'i dont think you know who i think i am'. it strange cause it sits apart from all of the other songs in so many ways in my head. its about taking this thing we are in apart. this band and these songs we sing. whether your image is an angelic patrick that could sing anything to you, to the way andy and joe dont get enough attention, to the way i am one of the most conflicted manic people i know- you love to hate, sometimes you hate to love. but at the end its trying to make sense of this. are we really trying to feel better? am i really trying to feel better? what would i have with out this? who am i? why should i be answering anyones questions or signing a piece of paper from anyone- what have i ever done to deserve that. i am not an heir. i am not special. and i dont mean this in a self depricating way at all. our band is bigger than us simply because people have believed in it. there were so many highs and so many lows from the last year. so many rumors, so much truth. my head is back in the game. we are playing this tour to re-meet people. there wont be any pyro or cool outfits on it- just us and you and the songs. anyway, hope this can be about that again. we'll be playing some new songs and some really old ones. sorry ive been out of touch, had some strange whisperings in my ear- ive been writing everything i really feel into a real journal and into the new songs and just cant wait to get on the road. anyway, thanks for sticking in there- if youre reading this and are- and if not hope i/we get the chance to prove you wrong."we only wanted to sing you to sleep through bedroom speakers- we need umbrellas on the inside, get me right"....
posted by xo @  HYPERLINK "" \o "permanent link" 3:34 PM  HYPERLINK "" \o "Edit Post"  
start it off with a bang
everything we do is watched and recorded, so lets try finding some new exits and new ways to time it all at. give them something real. not the way it was going last year. i mean somehing bigger and brighter than me and you.
posted by xo @  HYPERLINK "" \o "permanent link" 3:55 AM  HYPERLINK "" \o "Edit Post"  
Monday, December 25, 2006
he said "i brought the hoody back all them other boys dont know how to act"
when i was little i wanted to be max from where the wild things are when i grew up.kind of bonkers, cause he was just a kid too.
posted by xo @  HYPERLINK "" \o "permanent link" 4:44 PM  HYPERLINK "" \o "Edit Post"  
Sunday, December 24, 2006
they say this thing between us is getting old, but i think of it more like vintage love.
im like one of those movies you buy in a hotel with every button but rewind.have at it.your jokes.your ring doesnt matter.i cant ever get the right words to the right people.lying on the side, tears fall from your left eye into your right.filling it and spilling over. and so on.spilling out. but not pretty like in the movies.phones are always dead.white lights hanging on houses, breath in the air-everything about right now reminds me that i am all alone.and how terrible i am because of the thoughts that run through my im pretty sure i could get some sleep if you were dead and gone.but not in a "drop dead" kind of way, more like you couldnt fuck with my head anymore.a snow day on giving a fuck about anything.sit here and stare at the television because thats what im supposed to do.forget to eat.sit in the roped off corner of a club because thats what im supposed to do.forget to care.and i just want to write a story or a song that makes everyone forget their troubles but im not too sure that i have it in spots become luke warm.i just want one person to know me completely before i die.i want maternity wards on stage for the delivery.spent the afternoon in an mri- its like preparation for lying in a coffin forever. it was a fear i havent experienced since i was young. the shaking and the sounds and the closeness of it all. everyone loves an underdog. every dog will have its day. top dogs. all dogs go to heaven and such....
posted by xo @  HYPERLINK "" \o "permanent link" 12:52 AM  HYPERLINK "" \o "Edit Post"  
Monday, December 18, 2006
diamonds into coal.
1. i am a terrible typer on a sidekick as proven in the previous post.2. i hate hotel room life.3. i hate doing interviews.4. i hate reading interview i have done.5. i am overdramatic.6. i am overly pessimistic. i only see the worst in everything.7. but i smile and nod along anyway.8. i dont believe a word anyone says to me.9. but id really like to believe in everything.10. this list is boring. i miss my dog.
posted by xo @  HYPERLINK "" \o "permanent link" 10:33 PM  HYPERLINK "" \o "Edit Post"  
I am sur ei have been loved. I have obsessed over love. the kind of love of getting in and out of trouible. I have hoped for love that is beyond you beiung caught by me or me trying to slip through the cracks. I hope for a love that is like astronomers who desribe distant planets. Even as experts it is a too far off to even properly calculate no matter how much you adore it. And I am no expert. When was the last time you felt proud of me? Ask myself when was the last time I did anything worth your pride? When was the last time I was moved, not like a piece in a board game but truly moved. When was the last time I didn't see the world in an "you always stick your neck out" or "can't catch a break" kind of way. You are the kind they cut off ears for and start wars over. You are a distant planet, noone would get from afar. You are the dream that I can't remember but can't forget. You are the trap door magicians never reveal. You're my last trick. You're my grand finale.
posted by xo @  HYPERLINK "" \o "permanent link" 1:04 AM  HYPERLINK "" \o "Edit Post"  
Saturday, December 16, 2006
here's to fresh starts
Today was one of the longest ever for me.I have no explanation. Except that relief can come from the last place you'd ever expect.Sometimes the people you expect to be there are no shows. Especially when you're on the tile floor heaving.I am ready to be me again.I miss my puppy. I think you dreamt me alive.
posted by xo @  HYPERLINK "" \o "permanent link" 11:23 PM  HYPERLINK "" \o "Edit Post"  
come on just let me make out with one of your friends and we'll call it even
caged all the free spirits.lets make them shiny so we see them glisten on the ocean bottom.well take your flaws and polish them as good as new-that is except for jealousy, theres been a recall on that one.expect version 2.0turned the corners of my eyes out as though they were my pockets, as i pass by men sleeping in boxes looking for loose change.fix me or forget me. at this point im going for whichever is guessing i look like i just got off a bender cause everyone keeps saying "you really should get some rest".like that was the feels like a surgeon who cant cut himself open to save his own life.going AWOL from ghost towns.look into mirrors-"wipe that smile off your fucking face."my dreams are all backyards in the suburbs and you.and whatever happens in between just make sure our plots are matching and next to eachother.its kind of tough being a people pleaser when you arent too fond of people in general.on steroids for the back- no, not the cool kind. though one of the side effects is out of a suitcase changes your outlook on the world.its hard to imagine a time when any of this made sense.a flight.fizz of tonic water.clicking of hotel room keys."ive never done this before" need oxygen tanks to climb the mountains i have made of these molehills.keep me away from the inside of your head.
posted by xo @  HYPERLINK "" \o "permanent link" 7:51 PM  HYPERLINK "" \o "Edit Post"  
"our love is real".
posted by xo @  HYPERLINK "" \o "permanent link" 6:25 PM  HYPERLINK "" \o "Edit Post"  
Thursday, December 14, 2006
be my unholy, my one and lonely. (the inside of my head, unfiltered).
computer broke. back broke. love broke.but the ship is gonna look pretty at the bottom of this memory is a steel trap.your face has been filed away- to be scrutinized later. to be despised. to be be be dreamt of.i am the inside of "i dont care".right in the middle.staring at you.i have you read before you even say your name.except when im wrongand my whole world tips on end."i loved everything about you that hurts".everything i love about you is a mess- is the reason you cant get through your days.i keep the tv on loud in hotel rooms so i dont feel alone.i wear scarves and hoods cause theyre the only poker face ive got my head i smash mirrors and break palm readers' hands. i love to write of sex and bodies pressed against eachother- but i am not a closer and never will be, i cant get my mind to shut off long enough to make moves. id rather remember the smell of your hair and the way you faked like you were too drunk to drive rather break you down.i dread human contact but cant stand to sleep alone- two parts of me that are constantly at war with each other.every single mirror is a trick mirror. not just the funhouse ones. we see what we want.i wish i could live a billion years just to evolve beyond love.only the science of that doesnt really add up, and besides i am addicted to it.if you cut me open i am the single most regular person that has ever scares electrifies me.i have put my belief in god in a sort of holding pattern- i close my eyes hard and want to believe. just because this cant be it. but im not ready to commit. keep flying. one of these days were gonna run out of fuel.the famous < the infamous.i want to become better than i am. i want cures instead of houses. and hope instead of hype.only its all so big that i dont even know where to start.birth and death are just the bookends, no one explains how to find happiness in mood changes before i finish whole sentences. hence the fragments. if anyone ever knew the whole truth im pretty sure they would lock me up and throw away the key.i dont like to talk or play certain songs because they are just an unhappy blur in my life when somewhere inside of me i was sure id be dead before anyone ever heard them.i wish jimminy cricket was my best friend.i think hed keep me on track.its no fun hating someone who hates themself so much more.youre just an cant complain about your back and then jump off of high things.well you can but then you just look attention span, my temper, my faith and my height are all pretty much just short.if i ever really had three wishes i am sure id waste them on ruining three peoples lives.disappointing people is my thing baby, find a new gig, this town aint big enough for the two of us.i have a love/hate relationship with being forgotten.i fall asleep on the keyboard all the time, i think it is of some comfort to me.i cant wait to meet the person i will want to grow old with.
posted by xo @  HYPERLINK "" \o "permanent link" 12:29 AM  HYPERLINK "" \o "Edit Post"  
Sunday, December 03, 2006
a penny for your thoughts
im sensing some antidote in the way the world has been speaking to me.but im all heart with these fingers stuck in my ears-playing scenes from my childhood so loud that i cant hear whats happened to cant fly these wings, you cant sleep in this box with me.somewhere theres a backroom for us to be swapping spit in. a ditch for me to be forgotten again."there are plenty of fish in the sea" quip pretty fisherman on boats in stocked lakes and fish you think about me when you see the moon in the afternoon?"shape up or ship out"im nailed and boarded up in a box addressed to somewhere else.of all gods jokes, i am the most cruel- i will make you forget your headand your rulesand your friendsand your faithwe are bricks on gas pedals.we are the ink on forged checks.i will make you mine and then forget head is too crowded for the company.can we go back to how it was?before there was a world out the front door that got off on being down.stockpiled good fortune and am ready to wait out the storm.i want you in my after 12am veins.lately it all just feels like looking up through ice in a frozen pond at red cheeked families skating, be honest, even though im nodding off in airport lounges-id rather lay my head on a curb somewhere with you than any of the rest of it.and the universe doesnt care about luck or headlines.someone whispered "make yourself" in my ear once.steal me away from all of this.make yourself.
posted by xo @  HYPERLINK "" \o "permanent link" 4:28 PM  HYPERLINK "" \o "Edit Post"  
yesterday i fell backwards through a window- sure it was sugarglass and light wood.still felt the nerves slip.been sleeping 3 hour nights.i love watching people sing and speak and write about the people and things that they makes me feel regular again.gave up on love when i started seeing about it in gossip rags.gave up on god when i realized one day my father was gonna die.gave up on myself too many times to count- you could trade mistakes for sheepand count me away forever at night.thanks for never giving up on me.even when you truly should have.and most of our incoherrent thought is wasted on whether it will mean more to stay or to go. if we can get home before the light hits our bedroom.
posted by xo @  HYPERLINK "" \o "permanent link" 2:52 AM  HYPERLINK "" \o "Edit Post"  
Saturday, November 25, 2006
everyone looks good in black and white pictures (only's).
she only orders drinks without mixers.two bites of 100 dollars plates at dinner,desserts are always enough pills to get you full.but when im sleeping next to her im not scared what will happen to me after i die.they only pose questions like: what makes you tick?we throw back herrings. dummy cars. whatever changes the only in love with trainwrecks.except tonight she is four redbull vodkas into the moment-its the closest thing she can order to an 8ball at an open always only half there.coasting through questions and pictures- always half way inside the world in my head.i only know that youll never know me.
posted by xo @  HYPERLINK "" \o "permanent link" 4:15 PM  HYPERLINK "" \o "Edit Post"  
Saturday, November 18, 2006
we are the carriers but you will always be the rescuers.
i feel in love with the world. this is out of character for me. the always whining, overdramatic player of the worlds smallest violin. but i truly love the world we have created- us and you. it is a refuge and i think we sometimes take that for granted. but i can tell you i wouldn't have this smile across my face if it wasnt for you. working on the new video- i think some of our old fans are really gonna like some of the subtle touches it will have. i know some of whats going on is a stretch. but come with- because this is the greatest story ever. thanks for letting us be a part of this. this is my rushmore.
posted by xo @  HYPERLINK "" \o "permanent link" 3:55 AM  HYPERLINK "" \o "Edit Post"  
Tuesday, November 14, 2006
he said "that song is my life", it may have been my best moment. so young.
this is only the greatest story ever told"i have lightning in my head"to be brought to the world.the 101 is an iv in my veins,blood rush up your driveway.noones ever gonna get us, noones ever gonna get us-everything inside me is only meant to break your hearts.november spawned a monster.
posted by xo @  HYPERLINK "" \o "permanent link" 3:28 AM  HYPERLINK "" \o "Edit Post"  
Tuesday, November 07, 2006
id love to decode this all. but i fear it woud only be another misstep in a series. so am gonna take a leap and hold my breath.
boots high, keep our roots from every finding us.dear to our hearts are the yellows of the moon. it you waving a flag at me: its not quite white and its not quite surrender.but its got me curious.from under the floorboards i listen to hear if you got what it takes.i want to wake the entire hallway.sometimes cheek kiss goodbyes catch the corners of lips- and its just the secret of those two forever.going home tommorrow, which is today if i get to sleep.
posted by xo @  HYPERLINK "" \o "permanent link" 8:04 AM  HYPERLINK "" \o "Edit Post"  
Monday, November 06, 2006
forgive me for all the times i messed with your pretty head
actually doesnt really matter either all turns out the same.alphamale. omegalove.every dog has its day and all.but i think we slept through ours.....theres no sucess quite like failure. trust me. i can be a character witness.dodging bars that noone can find and noone can get into. it becomes a parody of itself.i love borat for bringing the mustache back before mike cardin could.but the prestige makes me want to quit the band and move to the 1800' bring back walkmen with sweet yellow headphones and be like the king of the world.dont burn me out on borat by trying to do the accent: here's a hint- you dont do it very well.back to diary-ing....i mean, really, how many times do you need to check your voicemails to realize noone is calling.put me down or fix me- but more like a cat or dog...had a dream where i picked orange leaves from blonde hair in moonlight.and im left forever edning signals back to you in black night.gotta run these words are terribe at best, ill be b ack to clean up this mess. i need to go to sleep not to read more,.,. or maybe not.
posted by xo @  HYPERLINK "" \o "permanent link" 2:07 AM  HYPERLINK "" \o "Edit Post"  
Saturday, November 04, 2006
high heals (mr. E and ms. fortune)
cue the dream sequence.get the feeling of make me feel pins and needles like a leg that has been asleep.we have signs on our backs that read: save me.i am in love with the see that heart, i will gut it like a some sense into me.i dare you.daydream ships and sleepy summer bombers feign softness when she calls.i will make the hair on your neck stand on end.i will make you sing out in the night.
posted by xo @  HYPERLINK "" \o "permanent link" 7:19 PM  HYPERLINK "" \o "Edit Post"  
Sunday, October 22, 2006
'baby dont worry about a thing cause every little thing is gonna be alright'
we played in front of 40,000 people today in a place we've never even been before.this is a piece of our life, cut have made us what we are.sometimes i get chills when i see patricks back in front of all of these singing mouths.i cant put the words together to tell you what it means or how it you are in the worlds biggest gang.or slipping through the longest dream.i got my shoes stolen in sao paulo.they are the shittiest looking converse i ever had.kind of funny."friends dont let friends get famous".i know you dont really get me because i kind of write in a "or the user has trabelled outside of the service area" kind of way- but i dont really get me either.fell asleep in the mirror the other day,sick to death of comparing myself.every word has already been written.every government has been done.every hairstyle has been tried.but give me sometime, dont write me off not always the person i want to be-but you make me want to be him.silly boy all this is ever gonna get you is carpal tunnel and bad eyesight-but i wish i was the mirror reflecting you back so i could make your eyes look carefree.sometimes i think i about that night that we madeout until our lips went numb.the words are all over the place.but you are lightning in a bottle.i am in love with the accents in south america-the streets are museums,the culture is breathing- alive.rolling 'r's is way cooler than rolling your eyes.the way i think of you is billboard big, only i could never tell anyone.last night i had a dream that we were breathing underwater.our love will go down (in history).i hope the keys keep clicking, the kids keep singing-its all "if they could see us now"s versus "they'd be spinning in their grave"spenned in on all sides.lets split town.its always "i dont care what anyone thinks" except everyone always does.and "better in the long run" always means sleeping alone now.stop trying to save me.except if you ever did i dont know what id do with myself.silly boy youre just dying to be tragic silly boy youre just dying to be tragic silly boy youre just dying to be tragic silly boy youre just dying to be tragic silly boy youre just dyingtime for sleep.
posted by xo @  HYPERLINK "" \o "permanent link" 8:29 PM  HYPERLINK "" \o "Edit Post"  
Wednesday, October 18, 2006
woke up at 5:49pm today.
the cobra starship video is amazing- its like a flamboyant version of kill bill meets the easter bunny only trashier- for real... get ready. after all the hacking, i have secret journals stashed through out the internet.i am always forgetting the passwords- i feel like a pirate always looking for the 'x marks the spot' kind of thing.i love my bed for all of its AMBIENce...the record is being mixed- i have the "so-so" inside my head. but i just want to be on the road.these journals all seem like an attempt to make the average seem bright and bold-but all i(t) really is/am, is nothing so special at all.i want our tattoos to touch under the wind off the windowsill on these late fall nights."i miss eyes much brighter than mine".
posted by xo @  HYPERLINK "" \o "permanent link" 4:13 AM  HYPERLINK "" \o "Edit Post"  
Sunday, October 15, 2006
i want to be kept.
i am in love with the strip is the best.there is an old man at the bar, he carries his years in his eyes.he drinks gin and tonic, only he calls them "g&t's".he is a true believer, a die hard.all the addicts and pushers are sitting in pews somewhere.he speaks to me about a love and a life that has taken 50 years to figure that he cant figure it out.buzzing and lights.there is a HIPSter docked on the bar next to me.he drinks vodka straight with out mixers,because the monsters in his closet are calories.i wonder how many he burns with he constant running no one wants to be what they are.i watch waiters run their lines.i watch valets trip over producers names that keep dropping out of their mouths.nothing changes here but peoples hair is saturday night here everyday except one waits in one pays covers.writing here hurts my head.but i am addicted.honest to god, its like taking a picture of a always walking home head down, taking myself to at the grass pushing up through the cracks in the sidewalk.a teammate.sometimes i look at my reflection in car windows and say "worry on your own time".etc. etc.i cant wait to get home.
posted by xo @  HYPERLINK "" \o "permanent link" 5:26 PM  HYPERLINK "" \o "Edit Post"  
fuck me gently with a chainsaw
been writing in the real journal lately. paper and ink.hey pete, howd you get yourself turned so inside out?this city feels like a weather, in love, in time, in life.'all you sensetive thugs need hugs'.i can love you in hour increments.i can give/take all your problems back/away.i want to be bright enough to blind you.think of all the love i have behind my eyelids waiting for you to wake up.thanks to all the forever kids who have stuck by our side.dream fast. wish hard.truefuckinglove.
posted by xo @  HYPERLINK "" \o "permanent link" 7:35 AM  HYPERLINK "" \o "Edit Post"  
Thursday, October 05, 2006
joe says the puppy has hillbilly teeth.
if i was a judge id only hand out run-on sentences.california feels like the body of the world.and los angeles is its varicose veins.leaves wont turn orange here.or at least theyre putting up a fight.emerald city downtown girl.i called shotgun on everything you sorry, its true.asleep in the hive- i guess all the buzzing got to me-that and the blueberries and vikings.the only gold i got is in my fillings.heroes love heroines.i dream of lying in backyards with you in the a.m.'s-the geneva convention of romance.i work vampire hours thinking of you.the rings around my eyes are simply the proof.fuck the miles between us.fuck the way i am in love with being a mess.and when the planets align even the mercury specks in our eyes match.
posted by xo @  HYPERLINK "" \o "permanent link" 1:39 AM  HYPERLINK "" \o "Edit Post"  
Monday, October 02, 2006
buzz's girlfriend, woof!
(gomez and morticia).my friend told me, there are veins in brooklyn sick of the constant knocking on them like a door.if i look up the lights in houses look like stars in the sky, only if i squint hard enough. if you had told me where wed be three years ago i would have laughed it off.i am sure i will do the same in three years when i am making wishes from some gutter somewhere.i want to be the last thing you think of at nighttime.i tapped out, i blacked knew we couldnt last.its funny how we only focus on our flaws."please tell me the truth, i am addicted to it".i got new boots so id never get cold feet-on thin ice or at the altar.listening to this record i cant wait to get back on the road. it feels like home.and sometimes this feels like some strange family we have built- we are planning a run of small shows right now- and something better."when you are very old and very lonely you will understand".its designed deep inside of us to be the opposite of what we are, i thank god for the bands, movies, and hearts that make me want to become something better than i am.your heart beat gets me through the day.
posted by xo @  HYPERLINK "" \o "permanent link" 1:01 AM  HYPERLINK "" \o "Edit Post"  
Wednesday, September 27, 2006
sometimes i feel like a pace car for you.
the lights on the hill look like christmas lights on a tree.through a window.i almost feel welcome.people treat hearts like cars.we are always trying to trade feels good being a new car.but it always feels strange driving back onto the lot when you know you are being traded you doing- is all a matter of who is asking.the opposite of lullabyes.thank you for bringing me back to life.
posted by xo @  HYPERLINK "" \o "permanent link" 3:33 AM  HYPERLINK "" \o "Edit Post"  
Monday, September 25, 2006
24 hour vet
i saw this movie "the science of sleep" made my head and dreams.i recommend watching it if you get a chance.the days are starting to end early here approved for (mis)use.songs are just artifacts from a time when i still there are country codes to decipher.returning can take you to pieces.but home is an idea, not a place.i always tried to cross the river in oregon trail and it was always a bit too deep for my wagon.i want a girl that doesnt have time to think things through.last night i counted numbers until my eyes were stitched shut with sleep.whats the point of walking the plank on a sinking ship?
posted by xo @  HYPERLINK "" \o "permanent link" 3:15 AM  HYPERLINK "" \o "Edit Post"  
Friday, September 22, 2006
basking on the beaches of crocodile tear swamps.
i couldnt stay away.the words are obession and always have been.heartache lite. diet love.i am a catch and release boy.kind of.put summer in a pine box.i went to sleep in june and woke up in the middle of september.making out on stretchers, getting some in the back of an hips are dry is incidental.the best versus the rest.'they wipe their feet on our dreams'.ive got 27 years hiding in the smile wrinkles of my eyes. the real ones and the fake ones take up the same space in one gives a fuck about eyes that are always leaking,besides youre just hushing headboards that are always creaking.its become apparent that there may be noone thinking of you the way i do at this very moment.were "out of the woods".but i am in love with the tree i used to lie under.eyes green with envy or brown and full of shit.or somewhere in between.i want this to be a remix of our nighttimes.
posted by xo @  HYPERLINK "" \o "permanent link" 12:40 AM  HYPERLINK "" \o "Edit Post"


"Thursday, August 9, 2007dont waste your time on can hold my hand if you want to.driving backwards through traffic with the pedal to the floor, paddling and diving towards the sand at the bottom of the sea, watching for the glint of teeth in the distance, watching for the flash of silver on the seafloor. engraved with faces i dont remember. you learn about this kind of thing in school.dont make this easy. i want you to mean it.all of my friends are doe-eyed and i feel like i'm holding a ball of dark matter close to my chest - tentacles of freezing and cold wrapping around my neck and forcing my head inwards and sucking me in. gradual descent into madness, depression or indifference. i want to be forgotten so i wont have any standards anymore, or anyone to think about when i drive over the edge. my heart is as cold as the clouds of your breath as you walk through the dark of los angeles. it doesnt snow here, at least not that way. we have white powder mist floating across the skyline and drifting into sleeping brains. instant intoxication without reason.reality is just how you look at the facts. my doe-eyed friends are obsessed with things that i cant understand. i just want to sleep and lose my memory. i just want to breathe cold air for the rest of my life. fuck love. fuck everything. i am absolute and infinite as a single being - my bones will lie petrified in the mountains for thousands of years. when they dig me up nothing will be left of my ridiculous haircuts or stupid smile, just my teeth and my skull and the parts that used to make up my fingers and ribcage. sense and science or fakes and liars. i dont know what to believe except that i can sit in a chapel and feel comforted by the candles and black-robed saints but i cant look into the sky and fall in love with the idea that everything is expanding outwards forever and it will never be finished and it is huge and unbeatable and unknowable.please excuse the rivers blooming in my brain. i dont know how to hold things back and this is the proof. just dont tell me if you feel the same - i dont want to admit that i am human and that i have this big can dance if you want to.Posted by xo at 4:09 AM""Tuesday, July 3, 2007you are the best song ever heart matches the beat (of the world) perfectly.i feel at peace with everything, which is rare for me.i'm out of breath but still grinning ear to ear.every time you stumble over your words but you keep makes this worth it.feel the echoes of the stadium flushing through your body.cry out and raise your fists into the air.this is your anthem.nothing would ever matter if you weren't around.this has always been our fight until your shoes wear away and your legs refuse to work.sing until your lips are dry and chapped.jump until the earth shakes with your spirit.most importantly: shine smiles on me as i walk by.thank you for being my light.i cannot make it without you.we're just dressing up what's always been there.four boys and the crowd of lunatics who love them.this makes everything worth it.Posted by xo at 2:52 AM "

"Sunday, August 12, 2007i am and it will (love beats the demon)the stars are coming outlook up in the brassy skyand there they are likeblooming pocket bet on somethingyou wish you had10,000 to bet onsomething where the odds are good.i'm betting all those starsyou don't win shit.curled luggage occupants, wrapped around eachother, waiting to be used and thrown awayblankets that thousands have slept in, it's a strange feeling to know that you are tossing and turning and clenching your eyes shut underneath the same sheets someone might have had their honeymoon in.cotton double-beds housing drowsing nods, the winks and blinks of eyes and knives.crystal beautiful snow white, friend of thousands but married specifically to you and you alone. this is my true friend. i wont want to repeat this later but this may be my only true friend.sand trapped under matter how much i brag about a strong wall between me and the cares of the planet, i know that everyone sees through it. you cant be me and be completely cut off from the way the world works - it doesnt add up.i want to be taken as i am and loved regardless of what i've done. strip off my skin and take a walk down the street. tiptoe down the paths of the great, and though invisible i will become as they were. or at least in my heaven i do not want to be held on a crowd of people who think they know me. i would rather look at them from a passing nimbus and smile knowing what they do not.i would rather know what i have done and get no recognition than for the cosmos to put me on a pedestal. you cant live with that kind of pressure or that kind of adoration without hitting some sort of breaking point.(i'm glad to say that you and i are friends and my offer still stands.)Posted by xo at 2:50 AM "


Wednesday, March 22nd, 2006 4:19 pm "baby im getting on a plane in a minute i wanted to say bye and i love you..." its funny the way being young exaggerates everything. when we fall in love or fall apart its all magnified. ive been waiting on a change. ive been waiting for you to not give up on me. i should have bet against myself and thrown the game. its always the same. the same people that are not me with the strange coastal breeze and the strange coastal boys. the truth is even funnier. its slippery. it looks different at 1am than it does at 10am. it looks different two weeks later. you know what the fuck i am talking about. its always new names and numbers. but its the same. and i am dirty, forgetful, lonely, arrogant, stubborn, secretive, and many other things i hear in whispers. but my heart is fucking in it. you could set your watch by it. and that has been thrown out and trashed. lied to. ignored. run away from. i have the opposite of midas' touch. no matter how you spin it- it hurts. words cannot explain- congratulations! you did it again. but being in the bitter boys club just keeps the cycle spinning. so this is me walking away. this is the closure i needed. or close to it. i want to be in love again. she is the start of it- she reminds me of sweet child o'mine and staying up all night talking and the truth and winks that are just for me. there are no futures here. there are no more second chances or arkansas- or wrong text messages. 'the girl i loved never really existed at all'... this journal doesn't really make sense anymore. the purpose i started it for is out the window and out of my mind. this will be the last entry in here. its gonna be okay. "its not that id die for you, its that i already have." next time try telling the truth. Current Music: "wish you were here" pink Floyd Sunday, February 19th, 2006 11:34 pm we put the f.u. back in fun so ive been reading many peoples diatribes lately. about what punk rock is and how bullshit this whole scene is. about how we all need to fuck off and die. well the truth is youre so fucking brave and i am so fucking cliche. i am okay with that. but i believe in these songs and these eyes and these sweated out rooms. the words your write hurt my eyes and my back is sore from being hunched over the screen all night. you cheapen what i do by casually throwing barbed statements at my friends and fans. leave. we don't fucking need you. we dont care what you think about us. we dont need to sit in clubs and watch you excuse yourself to the bathroom every 20 minutes, just cause we know how it goes. we dont need to watch you onstage. the best songs sing themselves. ive said it since day one. this is my rushmore. this saved me. fuck you for trying to ruin it. new songs are my middle finger back to you. im sorry youre gonna have to wait awhile to hear yourself called out through the speakers. i love the way they always ask to see my room key when i walk into my hotel at night. like i do not belong. because i do not belong. i love opposition. i love the haters. i love mondays. i love accidents. i love "no more chances". i love walking through this city at night where i do not know anyone. because i do not know anyone. i love secret shows. i love coded messages. i love the way you have me figured out so much better than i have myself figured out. xo peterabbit Wednesday, February 8th, 2006 5:04 am so you want the truth been living just outside of okay for awhile now. but its changing. whatever story you heard about me is not true. im pretty sure im not gonna bring home a grammy tommorrow. but i will have lots of good pictures. how i am feeling about someone is always changing. except i am allowed to be happy inside my head right now. ive been scared of everything for far too long. i haven't let myself be alright. but ive done alot of thinking on the 12 hour flight here. i just like being around certain people. new friends make my heart flutter. old ones make me feel homesick. been going to grammy parties all week. yeah im that guy in the corner lurking hard. its kinda creepy. ive been training the last month for our video- however i think i may have sprained or fractured my foot in the last day. if this thing turns out the way it is supposed to- it will be the most epic thing fall out boy has ever done. i dont miss you but i do miss the idea of you. i went and looked at houses out in california again today- i want to get a dog and a backyard. maybe not just yet. but maybe. my clock is ticking on your pretty face. my dad got drunk tonight and talked shit to all of my friends. pretty amazing. i wish i had it on video. total release the bats two material. i want to do a tv show like the wonder years starring fall out boy. i don't think any networks would be too interested. dont call it a comeback. put pennies on my eyes when i die. you are new moons and fresh sheets and the end of that one dream. love the fancy kid. Thursday, February 2nd, 2006 1:16 pm this city helps me forget love doesn't bore me. it disappoints me. there is a pile of lamps and clocks stuck on 11:11. cause i wish i could fucking believe you. Saturday, January 21st, 2006 12:17 pm i hate you and i hope you die. yes. i realize that you will make fun of me/take stabs at me/post ridiculous pictures of me. i realize that because of this band i have given up some of my privacy and personal life. i accept that. i can laugh at myself. i realize i will get called a douchbag. i get what i get. i have begun reading things about my friends and family. that i will not accept. i read things written by people who kiss my ass to my face. i remember who you are. fuck you. bring it on me. please leave my friends and family alone. it is extremely hurtful to me. if anyone is a friend of mine out there please tell your friends. i on the otherhand am open game. i have a good laugh at all of the stuff written about me. i am silly, i realize that. thank you. peter Thursday, January 19th, 2006 1:55 am wahahahahaha. i laughed for like a million hours at the shittalking over at: its way fun to see your friends make fun of you. it keeps you levelheaded. it has gone live. Saturday, January 14th, 2006 4:14 pm "noones ever been this good for this long" this is everything i am thinking right now with out transition. i apologize for my brains lack of linear thought processing: i hate the way it gets dark so early here this time of year. i guess "seasonal depression" kind of falls under "ADD" and "post tramatic whatever disorder" for me. i feel like its science from the madhatter down the rabbit hole. not too real. but lately i just wake up blue - my only thought is- how soon will the day be over so i can get back into bed. i open my eyes just a tiny bit and blur the numbers on the clock with my eyelashes. every word you say rolls off of my back - the praises and the barbs. i don't hear either, ever. sometimes the tips of my fingers itch from the back of my head- just to get the chance to tear someone to pieces and just barely let them off the hook. i swear to god, i was asleep alone. quick text me an alibi and oh god please don't dust the keyboard for prints. sometimes i stare out of the frosted window and make up stories as people walk by. the bottled blonde, park ave. princess walking whichever dog matches her coat. you know how i could turn your world upsidedown. its not love if a day goes by when you don't think about dropping it. its not the world keeping you on the outside, its you not wanting to be on the inside. everyone wants to be the first. buts its okay to be the second if you understand it better, if you make it look prettier. worn down doesn't even touch this. and theres nothing worse than when someone acts like they have you figured out, when you haven't even figured yourself out. nice boys don't write good stories or sing good songs. and his songs are boring. and his stories are just personal ads set to background music. i found the skeleton key for wedlock but i am holding off on telling her. on telling anyone for that matter. consistent inconsistency. thats all you ever have to remember and you'll do okay with me. dancers are always strippers. and paying their way through college is the BE VE. oh and hey pete do you remember the way the world used to trick you with fifty degrees in january and orange leaves in june? button your jacket tight, don't believe everything you read... don't even believe everything you wrote. i'm tired of always leaving. i'm tired of the way things always/never change. swim upstream until your gills bleed just because thats what genetic encoding commands. there aren't any trophies that are really worth it in the end. they can put you in a box when you are very young, so you'll be a pretty corpse but there are too many pages filled with too many words to lie beside you forever. intelligent design is the last great joke i heard. but honestly, no one will ever stay where i tell them, least of all the years. they keep moving. worlds greatest liar and how do you know i'm not lying when i tell you this right now? and thats coming from the king of one-liners. copy and pasted - long live the away message. kiss the monitor. fast asleep baby. Friday, January 6th, 2006 8:11 pm i am just a hot mess. i woke up to the feeling of myself throwing up today. pretty much put a damper on the entire day. i ate about 50 stomach pills and then threw them all up- it was a pretty color in the toilet. my toungue is black on the top right now. i am pretty sure thats a bad thing. i watched way too much gastinaeu (however you spell it) girls today. i think it made me sicker. it took me awhile to realize that they were mother and daughter and not sisters- but the mom is kinda hot in pissy kind of way. my mom is out of town so there was noone here to take care of me- my brother was around but hes pretty much always bongzilla'd. so i waited for back-up caretakers to arrive- one of them was busy cutting hair and the other has like a "real" job besides being dad. the best part about vomitting alone in the morning is the way the bathroom tiles feel kinda cool in a pleasant way so i took a nap there for a bit. i want to see hostel tonight but the problem is all the vomitting- see its not that i mind so much its just what if i run into someone in my sicky gear and puke on them? wow. i am glad i did this update. arent you? im gonna leave the comments open cause i never do- just write down the first thing that comes into your mind when you see that reply button- heres mine: i am just a hot mess. (1322 Comments Comment on this) Saturday, December 24th, 2005 9:57 pm blue christmas so i was sitting around this christmas. just kinda getting bummed out looking at the lights outside of shiny houses in my neighborhood and decided that it was time fall out boy gave somethng back. we decided to pick a cause that we feel is often overlooked- education of poor people in africa (specifically ethiopia). we feel like education is one of the most important building blocks in change- so after doing some research we found and organization that we felt really was doing it right: - this isn't some glossy amazing press piece it is doing something quietly to make a change- and we loved that. so we decided to put a couple of old and rare FOB and clandestine items up on ebay. here's the deal- if you dont see the link off of a fall out boy site than don't trust that it is us doing it- part two- keep bidding the more we can help the better. and three we will keep adding more items up here for a bit so keep checking back. they are all legitimate and endorsed by FOB and all items will come signed. happy bidding: a clandestine shirt sample that was never made: breakdance not hearts shirt worn on big in 05 awards: giant moonman pez dispenser given to nominees at the VMAs complete set of take this to your grave trading cards. including rare card: new: original bleach "i am the dream" shirt clandestine: original secret order shirt alternative press poster signed by entire band spend your xmas cash... Thursday, December 8th, 2005 3:34 am last week i got to hold a baby orangatan (spelled completely wrong). that was the best moment of my life. ill try to find a picture. try to imagine a regular baby, mixed with a puppy, mixed with the song "dont stop believin" by journey. Tuesday, November 22nd, 2005 12:59 am sometimes my own words dont suffice. "i hope that our few remaining friends give up on trying to save us i hope we come up witha fail-safe plot to piss off the dumb few that forgave us i hope the fences we mended fall down beneath their own weight and i hope we hang on past the last exit, i hope its already too late and i hope that the junkyard a few blocks from here someday burns down and i hope the rising black smoke carries me far away and i never come back to this town again. in my life i hope i lie and tell everyone you were a good wife and i hope you die. i hope we both die" Sunday, November 20th, 2005 1:36 pm sometimes its like never started sometimes it like its never gonna end


current occupation: selling fire in hell
Wednesday, August 29, 2007
wolves, oysters, clams and crickets.
its not my fault i was raised by
the world is mine
and im happy as a...
cos my conscience is my guide.
reading about the beatles.
falling back in love with life.
writing music.
make this bigger than a tshirt
or picture.
if we still can.
everything aside i still feel the same.
i truly love you and this, forgive me for when it seems like i dont.
im still trying to figure me out.

ps trying to cast all my worries aside. dylan said the first time he heard elvis it was like busting out of jail. thats how it felt the first time between the highway lines in the van. hope we can al find somethhing that gets us thru the night. uganda, the songs, this love all changed something in my head. hope i can find a practical application for it.
posted by xo at 12:55 AM
Thursday, August 16, 2007
eyes the size of the moon.
iron and wine "the trapeze swinger"
posted by xo at 4:00 AM
Wednesday, August 15, 2007
been writing poems for myself lately. different then i would have expected
most of them have homes already but there are a few orphans....
expresso.d.'d brain
nerves screaming
red square green in the sun that wont give up
bounced checks and imbalances
the room spins me into a terrible green tornado
shoot my veins full of old birthday cake wax
cos theyve been alone all these years since
what helps get u thru the day
can make you go mad in the night

somewhere between the hell that is the souls of my feet
and the heaven that is the arch of my mind
is the purgatory of my hips
and i find myself floating through its vastness again every single night.
living a single file life is hard
but wives are like long division-
the way you always seem to be need but are
that memory itch just outside of where yr head can scratch
would you take yrself back to heartache if u could have yr teenage smile?
posted by xo at 4:11 PM
Friday, August 03, 2007
a note from sleep
good luck is:
sleeping on tile floors
grudges and hands we hold on to
hours of showers till the heat wont pour anymore
stalled cars looking out into the rain
the sleep that comes moments before the sun freezes our eyes open
hugs that remind you of the fuck that lies beneath them
boxers who fight for sweat
kids who love art but never talk about it
heirs to misfortune
warm naps in the afternoon
mans bestfriend
free love with no inflation
perfect imperrfections
hippies on motorcycles
pulling over the car for no reason
dog teeth
desert skies
black outs on laterns full of fireflies
the opposite of clarity
puddles of sunshine
posted by xo at 3:43 PM
i understand everyone has their opinion.
but if you give a shit about this please stop being so devisive.
because our friendships mean more than the way you play us against eachother.
bone structure to heart to voice to love to spins to writing to ideals.
it is the only thing that has the chance of breaking this thing down.
stop tring to tear this apart.
stop your assumptions.
i only hope that our friendship is strong enough to withstand the pressure.
maybe this will get through.
everyone has something important to add and subtract.
you dont have it figured out from a picture or one conversation because we dont from 6 years of this.
please. dont push it over the edge.
going home to chicago to write and spend time making this stronger.
thanks to those who believe and who dont believe. both make sense to me.
posted by xo at 2:16 AM
Friday, July 27, 2007
the lemon generation part II: "the things i do just to make myself more attractive to you."
this is more of my diary from africa. again please be careful where this ends up cause its meant to be glossy and "celeb-rified".... thanks for hearing my thoughts even if they are kind of passing or boring:
struck out for "away" camp early. sneaking off on security. just wanted to feel indiana jones, only no hat and whip. we are on the backs of bodas on the red clay. mars dust in my mouth and on my sunglasses. the clouds scream golden as tho god himself was hiding just behind them (waiting for things to get good). my driver is tried and true. he reminds me of the way jack wrote of deans driving. we sped along... for once i existed beyond flashes, beyond the velvet ropes, beyond noho, beyond 900whatever, beyond the united states of.. beyond the milky way, beyond the solar system- waiting to be tamed just like in the old days...
i have a sense of impending doom
if we do not get out soon.
weve been roadblocked. machetes and spikes. fireflies can fly backwards and forwards, unfortunately for now we cannot. they are screaming at eachother, hate and spit hang on each word. i feel so small and alien. i fear for my life for the first time in a longtime. this is not indiana jones, there is no whip to pull us away- only shillings. today 5,000 of them were traded for my life. i dont want to remember or detail this or take it home with me. i want to pretend it never existed.
the airport in gulu is something of a punchline of a futurist's joke. though the humor would be lost on me. ive come to have a specific distaste for countries formerly colonized by the british if only for their adoration of "proper attire" at war with my own true love of sugar-y peanut butter. its a strange sight to see the poorest of the poor under the hot daggers of the african sun in long collared shirts and pants. at the airport i throw my cares over cultural sensetivity out the window (as i realize i am being sensitive to an anglo understanding of the civilizing of the uncivilized. and so it goes on and on until i cant understand my own head- for its become too hot to think). besides it would be nice to go home with more than just malaria and a farmers tan. so here i lay on the hot ground- dragons on my back, the blue eye sky on my face- shirtless. now realizing just how proper my attire is for the dusty dirt runway and questionable coke can of a prop which will carry us back to kampala. and away from the dirt and smiles and misery and love. there is an overwhelming desire with in each of us to put into words, to feel moved and changed by this trip- and i swear to god we each do in our own way, cameras on or cameras off. joking on the way hemingway lived through two back to back plane crashes in africa as we walk out onto the runway- able to romanticize everything- even a black out or a plane crash, so sad really- i laugh to/at myself. this is the magic of life. my shoes and all of my clothes are covered in a sort of red dirt- and at this point it seems like a better idea to throw them all away, with our cares, and start over rather than rinse them and constantly try to explain their history.
wishing away thoughts. it is in a nightlife minute that i realize i have to get out of this town. it doesnt believe in my love or my words- i want to remember, i want to forget the way i am a sad soul trapped in a happy body. i want to be owned by the simplicity of the midwest again...
life is a canyon and ive been on a cliff. i feel like im just falling in. from the plains of south africa at night. dear constellations please eat me alive- i am mad. the stars are so bright here they look million dollar movie set fake. digest me and turn me bright.
you are a world away truly, i will wait for it to spin around to me.
posted by xo at 1:22 PM
Wednesday, July 25, 2007
"feeling the pressure, under more scrutiny. what do i do? act more stupidly"
his and hers mood disorders.
my friend drinks Lean. i didnt get the reference until he fell asleep in the movies with me.
more like passed out.
but its really all the same plus or minus breathing patterns and r.e.m. sleep.
oh and a note to you:
the nuts and bolts of love arent something that ikea instruction plans can assemble.
posted by xo at 6:41 PM
i just wanted to express my sincerest admiration and pride for our friends in gym class heroes.
yesterday their record was certified gold.
and an exflame is simply certifiable.
posted by xo at 4:22 PM
Friday, July 20, 2007
the lemon generation.
what follows are journal entries i wrote for myself personally on this trip. they are pretty boring and written terribly but i figured i would share this adventure with you... as the only reason WE are able to do this is YOU. each break is a seperate thought only they dont really make too much sense anyway.... please only share this with people you think would care, i dont feel like this should end up in some celebrity blog anywhere... ill add more later as this is just a few days. i apologize i am addicted to verbiage. thanks:
and today begins what may be the last real adventure of my life to a continent where life began. i am afraid and excited in a way i havent been in years.
gray skies, even grEy, leaving heathrow. time travelers. always backwards and forwards thru time. the lights of the coast bobbing with the bumps of the plane like buoys bobbing in the water. in a plane full of strange strangers were flying down the coast- which one, im not too sure, nor too concerned- im sure they are summering and waiting for life to crawl on as it jets by above them.
sheraton kampala- 8am today here, beats 3 am yesterday there.... the national language is english- though there are some 40 different dialects spoken in northern uganda alone. have not seen an insect or human worth having a conversation over or with yet. considering lowering my standards for one or both... and hoping as we leave and strike out for gulu that both the former and the latter become more foreign and intriguing. heres to hoping anyway. we drive everywhere in these funny taxis called "matutus"(?) the drivers speak little to no english anytime anything important needs to be communicated- and seem to have equally small regard for destination and speed limits- ah my kind of place. its strange to be surrounded by so many faces but feel so alone. at least coca-cola stuck their flag in this place- otherwise how could we beat the real thing (maybe who would even want to). first hour of the drive we get stuck in the mud, run out of gas and i have lost my malaria pills. we are off to a good start.
there is a torrential downpour outside. im guessing this is what they meant by rainy season. i cant imagine living here. (its not really hot at all this time of year. close to chicago in early september). as tho yr thoughts would never be able to dodge the rain drops as they fell- am i getting thru? i bet there is some great music and stories in those shanty towns we drove by. oh and the drive from kampala was semi-suicidal, cant believe we made it. dirtroads, dodging potholes and oncoming traffic- driving too fast for an ambush. i kept nodding off but patrick woke me up everytime he thought we might die. i wonder how many miles i am away from you right now?
t.i.a.- the acronym for the most applicable phrase ever. when the taxi never comes, or drops you off at the wrong spot, when the electricity goes off every single night, when there is sand in your rice- "this is africa" is simply what is said. at an ngo hotspot resturaunt- the only people that go to africa are christian or have a deathwish- not sure where we fit into that. so many white people it felt like the suburbs. there are over 100 ngos in gulu alone and the people still live in utter despair. at dinner people spoke of danger and missions- of the congo- the way people back home speak of gambling in vegas or frat parties. you win some, you lose some. the air everywhere smells acrid and burnt. ive been told its because people burn their trash here. walked part of the way in the pitch black , kind of as tho we had a mugger fantasy. oh well. ended up on the backs of "boda bodas"- these little 300cc motorbikes shooting off under the stars. and they never looked so goddamned bright anywhere on this planet as they do tonight in gulu. im gone.
i dont think anyone here wears a watch. honestly. its only either light or dark.
havent watched tv in awhile now. weeks, months. turned it on today- such a bore. spent the day in an idp camp pronounced "away" camp. tho i believe it is spelled completely different but the meaning of its misunderstanding is so profound. i am in a hole in my head. the rabbit went down but i havent fit since i was young. just in and out of sleep i have these visions. i dont know how to explain them. they would simply either bore you or scare you to death. they are between caring too much and not at all. between a detailed account and a jackson pollack mess. had them on the drive again. and again as the mosquito net rained around my dreamy head. i am intrigued by places that trade 4 seasons (not the one with roomservice) for a rainy season and a dry season. scratch what i said earlier at night it seems to be hot no matter what and in some occurences too hot to move or care. not sure of where i fit in this world.
i am convinced people can go bad, just like food.
there is more to this world than collagen and underwear-less crotch shots. i am convinced of this.
what we are filming is a dangerous idea- make no mistake of that.
i dont cry because the walls are too thin and i dont want anyone to hear me being human.
i awoke to a rainstorm that has never been heard in america. the kind that washes the sadness off the backs and out of the eyes of the tired and forgotten. it reminded me of how foreign this truly is. at toast and jam for breakfast again today. just two pieces. cause it was free. tho the westerner in my surely couldve eaten the whole loaf. toast is my favorite of all time. it is simple yet endows you with the feeling of timelessness and spacelessness. you could be eating this anywhere, anytime and it would even taste and feel the same for the most part.
i love times when everyone is asleep. the world seems to spin differently.
posted by xo at 11:39 AM
fobrock journal still isnt working so i will post in here:
we left uganda after having seen the best and worst mankind has to offer.
after having not been on the internet for a couple of days i come back to find that i am engaged, pregnant, and have a facebook account- haha in other hardhitting news i just saw a gossip blog that had pictures of real life leprachauns riding a unicorn- pretty amazing how sweet REAL life is.
by the way if you are not speaking to someone in fall out boy over at you are NOT speaking to a member of fall out boy.
we came to uganda with a plan for a video- we completely scrapped it and changed it after arriving and have made what we believe is a much more compelling and dangerous video. i am excited for you to see it.
i feel changed- little things dont matter as much. this trip has brought us so much closer as friends. the band is stronger than ever.
take care.
thank you for your continued support of all of our endeavors.
sleep hard, wish well.
posted by xo at 9:36 AM
Thursday, July 12, 2007
adventure is in your head. the capacity for it, that is.
for some reason the journal over at fobrock isnt working.
but just wanted to say thank you- its amazing to see a little video we did for the internet go to number one on trl.
today we leave on a huge adventure.
more later for now.
all the aliases hemingway goes by:
grape crush
lil dude
hemitrex le strange
puppy chow
the fat man
the fattest man
the sad man
the baby old man
(the last four are used by joe exclusively)
its no wonder he doesnt know his name.
oh yeah- there is a new remix of arms race floating around the internet. we like it alot. check it out if you get a chance.
posted by xo at 4:41 PM
Wednesday, July 11, 2007
fixed gear friends with their handrolled tobacco
wearing scarves indoors
having abandoned che prints to the mall and taken up wearing the garb of the intifada
gaza chique
vintage misery
keep pumping the problems out
even if noones listening
or ever was
what if first timers really referred to cherries and not to crime
what if you could take it all back
been hiding in the house since becoming a househould name
i fear that things i hate in myself are the only things youve ever loved
and just because youve read every book on life doesnt mean you have ever lived
posted by xo at 2:45 PM

Saturday, July 07, 2007
waiting on the world to change
some people drink too much
talk too much
think too much
smile too much
ive got em all beat
crickets- but not in this city
and certainly not jiminy
its glowing with the heat of lightbulbs going off overheads
been staying up straight for the last week due to 6am flights and ideas
tommorrow is no different
wrote a long piece that hazily remembered tears going from left eye into right.. sideways on a tile floor
and another full of expectations and demands of the continent of africa....
sitting here unhindered by spellcheck or sentence structure
i am not of the head to press the submit button on either of these
they are derivitive and self indulgent-
not interested in championing misery, at least right now
instead i was thinking of how there is a spark of something great inside of almost every single person i have met in my entire life and that maybe it should be our task to blow on it and guard it, feed it ideas as dry wood- watch it burn.
instead of blowing it out.
easier said than done...
goodnight moon.
goodnight loves.
i hope to be back to my same miserable self in the morning. until then spark and travel safely in your head.
posted by xo at 10:20 PM
Friday, July 06, 2007
attendance records in the crowd of the today show broke their pervious record. as usual thank you.
weve been indoctrinated to crave the idea of the extraordinary ordinary
we accept the blogs and camera phones as mediums, not as in the transfer of information, but more closely defined to the idea of the spiritual medium...- as the prophets, the eye and pyramid on the dollar bill
we are just flies on the wall watching a culture have a nervous breakdown.
everyone is born between may 22 and june 22, even if theyre not- we are a gemini generation. we love to hate everything in other people that we hate about ourselves.
arrogantly insecure and vice versa.
and life lately is just always about the spins and collateral damage.
i drive zippers the way truckers know i80
sometimes the snow and ground frost shut us both down
in love with the idea of permanent impermanence.
so careful of stuttered over articulation, as though saying the word better would somehow make it mean more.
the worlds worst kind of diary.
pulled the pause button off of every electronic gadget in my home- i despise it so.
strangely fulfilled by the idea of loving strangers and hating my few remaining friends.
how there had to be an inkling in the head of neal armstrong to just stay on the moon and wait for the air to run out, besides the fact thats what we are all doing sort of in the long run only he'd have a better view.
posted by xo at 2:13 PM
Wednesday, July 04, 2007
over being suicIDLE
if the opposite is true than of course
bad things happen to good people
of this i am convinced
love only has legs
so it can runaway
damn the chesire cats and white rabbits all to hell
reading keuroac across the country is something everyone should do
its funny that a confidence man inspires just the opposite
cresting on waves
i wait for my dreams to break on the sand
breathing white cities off the map into your nose
there is mint in the japanese eye drops im using.
they feel like little piece of glass at war with my pupils.
but they bleach my eyes white even sleep couldnt save me.
i love a girl that makes me howl at the moon crazy
i wish i had a guitar or a pen right now so badly
i feel like the santa maria-
third in line of discovery
i want to find a new world with you in hand
this has been the summer of my life
true love
i cant wait to make it back to you all
i have chemicals to erase my old troubles and welcome new ones with open arms
finding the right formulas, adding and subtracting myself from myself
i am dreaming of the walrus and mysteries
and you cause you never know: just kick rocks, kid.
i wrote a story of this summer- i want my band to finish it and add their pieces- but i cant wait for you to read/hear it.
i had a spark that just wouldnt start
youll find asleep in the lobby of an airport somewhere
waiting for delays to begin or end
waiting to fly forward or back in time, only away from now
excuse me but this starts/stops and jumps from the limits of the pen
i cant fit all my thoughts onto the back of this dirty american airlines ticket
summer is when i still feel the most free
was reading of the late sixties, of dylan and a golden era
made me want this so much more
so glad i have three genuine people in my life no matter the first weeks or flashes
crush on me like new love or a drug
posted by xo at 12:36 AM
Saturday, June 30, 2007
I have a new girlfriend
The iphone.
posted by xo at 4:46 PM
Thursday, June 28, 2007
the pretend
i never really appreciate the compliments people give me. i feel like people say them because they feel like they have to- "youre hot"- except in my head i dont see myself that way so it doesnt mean a thing. "you played great tonight"- except i probably didnt because its not really my thing. "i love your words"- except they only make sense to me out of patricks mouth. "i love you"- but you wouldnt if you knew me. and so on.
but the other day my friend told me: "you have an incredible sense of the pretend". and it made me shake. just in the way that its all i believe. i dont care too much for the ins and outs of the world we are inside. i like the one in my head far better. it is not chronological or pragmatic. but it meant alot to me.
as did this...
so i cant fully remember writing this entry. that is because my brain is scattered and resets all of the time. the only thing i save room for are faces and memories. maybe it is a collection of entries. but apparantly someone cared enough to remember or patch together an entry from a year ago... so thank you (i think they made little changes or additions here and there). its funny because i am in vancouver all over again, it rings so much more true now.

"and like florence nightingale and nurses through history. we fall in love with those were protecting and curing. we dream big and then wake up everyday and hunch over computer screens. and everytime we let our fingers go it amounts to a little more than the worlds smallest violin paying just for you. here i am half asleep between vancouver and salt lake city. can't remember the last time i had a conversation with you that wasn't from between the dotted lines of the highway. i don't want sheep or parrots. i feel like we have a vested interest in each other. it's love of sorts. you were there in the beginning, you've stuck around when everyone else climbed aboard, i hope you're there when it's gone. for all the times we've come off course, you have always served as a compass. steady. unforgiving. at times hard to find. but you were always there. this probablly isn't worth your time to read. but as long as you do we'll keep playing small, secret shows. we'll keep writing this. we'll keep ignoring what they say. this is we- everyone- the haters, the newbies, the so, the ckk, ock. a collective [[sigh of relief]]. everyone always asks what's the cure of growing up? this is it. it's you. the smiling faces screaming and 'doging' security in the front row. the kid that waits outside after the show until their hands are blue just to say hi. don't ever let me fucking forget it. we don't deserve this. but now that we got it. we will do our best to keep it like a kiss in the corner of our mouths. for our heads to your speakers, to your ears, to your mouths, to you, your fingers, to us, to our mistakes, to our heads and back. the new songs are coming. what if for one moment we became everyone we dreamed we could be? there is a buzzing from outside of this darkened room. as though if i walked down the hallway past their sleeping faces, red in the warmth of the afternoon. i would walk into the first day of my life. light gleaming off the windshield- like the wizard of oz after the color washes over everything. like i could start all over again- only with the same faces that are imprinted on my heart forever. and my same bed. and dogs. and ex- loves. and friends. save your troubles for another day, they wern't at the end of the hallway. baby boy, you're too busy writing tragedy to notice. we're shaping up to do big things. and you're nothing special. except.. what if you are? "
posted by xo at 8:01 PM
everything real in love and life comes without batteries included
The world is your oyster, what does that mean? That I'm just grinding sand waiting to be sucked down by box dye blondes and chased with hynotik. .... dumb-luck, but there's no such thing as smart luck. Think It got us kicked out of vegas. Happy as a clam but how happy can clams be? Dreaming of being steamed or robbed of their only worldly possession, pearls, sounds like a total soccer mom fantasy- only with upscale spas and mugger fantasies. I am a starfish waiting to regenerate a point. Till then, I am kind of pointless. I got a bad rap for not caring but I still pay taxes and wear my seat-belt in back seats- though I'm considering changes. I am a fixer-upper. Feeling the buzz but too far off the hive for any of the other bees to get it. And man I gotta tell you, the years are like friends in your old hometown. They stop being so friendly. They only want to reminisce. And no matter what they keep moving and changing you whether you want them to or not. The doctor says I need to stop talking with my fist and do more talking with my mouth. I told him I was never too great at that either- that it was usually my mouths talking that had to get my fist involved in the conversation. He said well then I had better start throwing a good left or hope I can play bass one handed. Neither seems too reasonable right now. Thinking maybe I should just stop all together. I order every movie in hotel rooms just so I don't feel alone. Its a very home alone moment for me, you know without the holiday music and cute culkin looks, but I'm hoping you are catching my drift anyway. Yes, for those who wonder there are other journals online. Sometimes I kind of leave bread-crumbs to get home to them for you. Sometimes I just space out. I also have a pen and paper diary and some letters and what not that I have been typing on my typewriter. I've been working on other visual art too, nothing I like well enough to show anyone. Its more for my own piece of mind. Drive, fuck, and sleep safe. I'd like to know that you awaken in the morning with out a headache or blurry eyes. Love is in the air, just get ourselves the right equipment to grab it. Its like moths headed for the brightest light, which aint me. But I'm ready to sweat and run and get there. And just cause you got a scar on your wrist or a charcoal stomach, were supposed to get eachother? Cause I don't really even get me. I'm too busy calling everyone else crazy- in these late slurred debates on how everyone else is not exactly like us- to worry about you calling me crazy. Tho all the other rhymes for crazy work on me lazy, hazy, etc.
someone has some great pictures of this past week. if i find any, ill post some.
posted by xo at 3:21 PM
Tuesday, June 26, 2007
dear man in the mirror: get over yourself.
i love it when people wonder how its gonna end.
my right hand is fucked.
boxers fracture im pretty sure and a cut down the front that we super glue every night.
if i shake you yr hand with my left thats why.
im clumsy-
with both actions and words.
what happens in vegas stay in vegas except for when brendon hit me with a bowling ball.
deaths just the other bookend on this thing, so who cares.
posted by xo at 12:28 AM
Friday, June 22, 2007
the AMERICAN dayDREAMer - die-a-tribe
when they rip the tickets i hope im on the ride with you. sleepless in seattle and pretty much everywhere else- wont bore you with the details, but actually i probably will. you dont have to be a train to come off track. dont have to have feathers to flee the coop. i dont gotta tell you about my adventures, i keep them in my head and forget them and remember them every once in awhile. i watch them on projector screens while you are talking about your magazine or countdown. were flypaper baby- but nothings sticks. molded from teflon and porcelain. doesnt take much shining around for you to want to get back under that rock you crawled out from. i found a point when i was searching for pointlessness. i found a love when i was looking for madness. gonna save your sweat for when we get to heaven. autocratic hearts and throats- tongues loving on the skin and words- listening too carefully and robbing them of their beauty. you only think im blooming when im wilting on the outside. dying to be dearly forgotten, not wrongly remembered. florescent yellow in the toilet bowl. i love holding strangers hands, pulses matching, beating just off the p.a. speakers. you dont have to sell me on how this isnt real, cause my guts are whats in deep not my head or my heart. sometimes i get the feeling when i walk into a room like im in some movie from the forties where ive been shipwrecked and marooned on a desert island, only to return to a life that is no longer mine. or maybe just a raft adrift, except i slept through the s.o.s. calls. the caveman frozen in ice analogy works as well, only i am too lazy to transcribe it. im projecting. im bobbing and weaving. im deflecting. only cos i want to mean more than all of this. i lost it at woodrow and nichols, brakes ground to my teeth. just a kid strung out on neon lights.
posted by xo at 1:30 PM
Wednesday, June 20, 2007
notes on change
i hate explaining my own interpretations to people. id rather you come up with your own- but this one seems to be pretty glaring....
there is a distinct difference between the idea "seasons change, but people dont" and the idea "everyone changes". this difference is simply the connotations of the two. in the former: the idea is brought forth that there are certain parts of you that are inherently there. forever. whether they are a part of your DNA or how you were raised- they are so deep and solidly rooted they cannot change. to me these are your ideals, your morality, your internal monologue. they remain constant though are defined differently as your mind and heart mature. to simplify, people who are kind have something switched on within them that will not change. on the other extreme malicious people will always be malicious. not to say there isnt gray area between the two- where someone who is kind can act maliciously and vice versa. obviously there are more rare examples where something can impact someone in such a tremendous way that it will cause a deep change in them. these remain constant through celebrity, through tragedy, through happiness, through loss. i can feel certain things in myself and ways that i know i will always feel- no matter what else changes around me. if you read my actual diary entries from when i was 14 to now, while the language and subject matter has changed- and hopefully has gotten a bit better. my subconscious impacting me and my decisions seems to remain faithful. however, what was meant by the latter "everyone changes, i used to be tiny", is the idea of growing up. honestly, i am not who i was a year ago or 5 years ago or 10 years ago. i think i would hate myself if i never changed. this is an experiment more than anything. if new cultures, people, and art didnt impact me and change me than this would be fraudulent. we expect any of our fans who have been with us from the beginning have grown and changed. i hope most of these changes are for the better, though i know i am human and make mistakes. sometimes i turn right when i should have turned left. but anything you loved or hated about me from the beginning have not changed- these are the things that make us each different from each other and either magnetize or polarize from others.
posted by xo at 1:07 PM
Tuesday, June 19, 2007
eddie money "take me home tonight".
so obvious but: i fucking hate this sugar free low carb diet world. i want the wild fucking west. i want love in handcuffs. i want more scars. i dont want this fucking future. meth bake sales to lower global warming. sweat shop work to burn calories. i hope this ship burns before it sinks. i hope this planes air goes bad before it crashes. i dont want this to be an affair anymore, i want to walk down the aisle with catastrophe. lets go to hell just for the weekend. your happiness is making me miserable. waste the time of my life. and if that mocking bird wont sing, im gonna buy you a diamond ring.
i only feel in love on the stage and on the side of a pillow. everything in between just makes me wish myself to pieces. please dont put me back together, keep me in a box under your bed.
posted by xo at 12:52 AM
Sunday, June 17, 2007
paula abdul and that cartoon cat.
i may be just a dime store prophet. but youre a dollar store whore. so i guess i am on the up. thunder on runways cant even kill the boredom. the tips of my fingers bruised from the letters on the typewriter. but if feels so much more final than this. and that is why i love it. and i said the last time i was put in handcuffs it was over a can of spraypaint. she said 'someday i want to spraypaint with you". and that is why i love her. in a backyard, lying on the couch on a sunday kind of way. one that is not explained or thought out. but runs up the back of your legs to the back of your head and crashes out of my mouth whenever you show up. what keeps your head together when you feel the tilt and spin of the world. what keeps those club jaws grinding in between the trips to the bathroom. the best week never. theyre taking stabs at me while im leaning and yawning, but sometimes YOU get through. pinpricks become blackholes and i feel my moods pulled into them. whats up with my obsession with your obsessions. been writing so much lately the paper is starting to add up. theres a part of me that wants to take a match to it sometimes late at night- the same part inside that cant walk next to balconies for fear that i am going to jump off of them.
i can make a mess of anything. but its strange to say when a stranger can bring you peace. you just swaying in the heat of the meet and greet. a face and a voice i dont know. just a tap on the shoulder and a "keep your chin up" from you. but there was a kindness there that brought me back. thank you.
posted by xo at 1:22 PM
Thursday, June 14, 2007
everybody is dropping like flies.
the truth is i am a slave to my head and my thoughts, not the other way around.
i am the hand up the skirt of this moment. over underwear, under pants.
under medicated. underwhelmed.
me and you in a not so private corner.
duke it out with our lips and teeth.
ill find the love if its there between your cavities.
dust it off.
its a cold hard ride back from where ive been.
what ive seen.
and what ive done.
or how ive come undone.
apples that make your teeth bleed
love that makes my heart coma-
keep careful count of your tears in that corner-
the market is shit.
they arent going for what they used to.
keep em in a jar-
bury them in a wine cellar.
so you can remember when you felt like just a madman.
im a trust junkie.
i need a fix.
i have so much i want to say. none of it is eloquent or poetic- referencing change and belief- lies and betrayal. how sometimes this ride doesnt feel fun anymore, when the press is controlling it. i will post when i have formulated all of the thoughts. i am tired of constantly defending this, its enough to defend it to the world- but to defend it to believers has drained me. i am only human, a kind of lousy one at that. i am 1/4 of this thing that has felt magical to me for so long. i dont want to lose it. i hope this makes some sense.
i hope i am a boomerang on its way back not some stone sinking in the sea.
thank you to everyone who has stood beside this and me- in both the light and the dark. it means more than a handshake or hug or song,,,
on a good note. the video felt genuinely fun to make. so thank you for taking part in it. the smiles are real.
posted by xo at 11:49 PM
Tuesday, June 12, 2007
dont you feel bad for the suicidal cat thats stuck with 9 lives.
my head only goes from zero to rage.
like a domesticated animal giving into instinct.
carved our names into a tree
and i dont care that i saw it first in some movie.
i think ill always go back and see if it sticks.
i feel like the santa maria. like i got there just after the discovery.
heads like this are gonna go extinct.
posted by xo at 5:53 AM
Monday, June 11, 2007
counting sheep and you.
tour life has got my fingers spitting from a pornographed philosophers mind. girls with bruises in designer patterns. too full off the diet pills to be hungry for iceburg lettuce and water lite when it shows up. i trapped you in my head a long time ago. i am a treasure chest filled with trash. two orders: one near tears and one beer tears. just put em on my tab.
dont you dare tell me about true fucking love. i spit and punched and blood for it. and now i want to sleep inside of it.
posted by xo at 1:39 PM
Saturday, June 09, 2007
late night snack.
the light splashes in and out. its almost violent. everything rational inside of me tells me that its the dull white of a voicemail. but my eyes are playing tricks on me. i see it purple textured velvet. the tv is blaring whatever. i can see light is sneaking in the cracks everywhere of this suite. like vermin. take a vote, the eyes have it. there is too much space here. between me and everything else in this room. i wish i had a habit bad or not just to pass the time. just trying to fight the big black sadness.
posted by xo at 12:06 PM
Thursday, June 07, 2007
fuck the palm readers, i love mirror breakers.
i have an obsession with sitting inside a confessional in church and hearing someone else spill their guts for once.
id almost take an oath for it.
get me out of new york.
this city only gets me up to making bad decisions.
love, the last boy.
posted by xo at 10:40 PM
"the christian in christian dior, damn they dont make them like they used to anymore..."
if i bashed your head in how good would the secrets be that poured out.
posted by xo at 4:00 PM
Wednesday, June 06, 2007
its easy to get older not so much wiser
"yes, piglet"
"nothing, i just wanted to be sure of you"...
posted by xo at 8:40 AM
Monday, June 04, 2007
goodbye the longest year of my life.
sometimes i want to blow my head but not in a hottopic kind of way.
i am global warming.
i am toxic.
sometimes i am glad i saved everything for a rainy day.
i am a wish.
i am under your skin.
i love you and life:
separate but never equal.
fuck it.
its all okay.
"Too young to hold on and too old to just break free and run..."
posted by xo at 8:05 PM
Thursday, May 31, 2007
"i dont believe...." anymore.
i have no words.
posted by xo at 5:47 PM
Wednesday, May 30, 2007
he said i belong locked up in a hospital somewhere so ill forget who i am. jokes on him. i never really knew who i was.
what has this become?
a question only countered in some monster movie madness.
sometimes spewed out just before the
signal down.
the wizard of oz in reverse.
from color to black and white.
i am completely obsessed with everyone who is completely unobsessed with me.
or sometimes with life.
and by life i dont mean heartbeats and breathing.
i mean 9 to fives and becoming the suburbs.
the complete fuck off of it all being that i am completely obsessed with backyards, christmas trees and lemonaid stands.
its like the northshore is my heaven, the valley is my golden gates.
excuse mne for nodding off.
always boring myself to death.
take a chill pill.
the story of my life
the unauthorized biography written by myself.
i dont even remember saying goodbye to you.
happiness is the sand in the sea.
its just a percentage of a percentage inside a body of water,
life is just a crocodile with a ticking clock inside of it chasing captain hook.
its just i havent figured out this graceful aging thing so well yet.
im sorry baby. my heart is clumsy. but i love you in a holding your hair back kind of way.
just wanna dip my toe into death to see if its a warm bath.
anytime anything breaks me open ever i just spit out a fortune.
if it means anything i spend my time with a bunch of people who ignore the vibrant sky and just look for the pot of gold at the end.
addicted to addiction.
curiosity killed the cat. but what the fuck did loyalty ever get the dog.
posted by xo at 2:05 AM
Friday, May 25, 2007
is either full of diet pills or shit.
and usually its both.
posted by xo at 12:27 AM
Thursday, May 24, 2007
10 years at sea for one day on shore.
"And I can deal with some psychic pain
If it'll slow down my higher brain
Veins full of disappearing ink
Vomiting in your kitchen sink"
i can kind of see this thing going a couple of different ways. the screen pressed close against the side of my face. ear to the speaker cause i have smashed all the others that project the songs inside this stupid box. my face this close to the keys, taunting me. "i can do whatever i want"s, "i can eat my dinner in a fancy restraunt"s. there is no semblance of meaning. ice cold blue lips, vocal chords and toungue in the back of my head with everything i wish i could say. the tip of the iceberg of a credit check on the emotionally bankrupt. curse phone service or rejoice in it depending on which end of the line we are on. looking for the last life jacket on this sinking ship called life. throw your "overdramatic"s out the window. throw your "old you"s in your fucking face. i get it it. i got it. i gut it. the sun sets and rises on the same old mood. the world has become a dangerous place to me- in my head and outside of it. cant seem to shake it. all roads lead back nowhere. the wilderness of the inside of your brain- which seems to drive your body whenever your heart or crotch is not at the helm. i feel like a slow motion replay of a crash that never happened. wanted to be an anthem not an away message. most of the time dont want to be anything at all. when you are alone is when you audit yourself. you become who you truly are. or arent. there arent any cliffs to throw yourself upon and theres no romance in just: me.

last year i made a list of songs to listen to in the dark when you are all alone. i figured i would do the same again:
donny hathaway "a song for you"
eliott smith " a fond farewell"
the chemical brothers "close your eyes"
damien rice "9 crimes"
beck "lost cause"
beth hart "leave the light on"
the smashing pumpkins "ava adore"
david bowie "space oddity"
iron and wine "such great heights"
stevie wonder "they wont go"
saves the day "hold"
bjork "hyperballad"
bright eyes "coat check dream song"
prince "nothing compares 2 u"
the supremes "where did our love go"
ben folds "the luckiest"
jeff buckley "hallelujah"
i said "i kind of wish i was a pirate"
and she replied "you pretty much are"
how could i not love that?
posted by xo at 8:27 PM
Sunday, May 20, 2007
i actually know someone whos middle name is danger
a cayahoga falling out. class four class five. id still take em. letters all over printed on every piece of luggage ever. you think you found gold every single time. she is the call just before the street lights go out. she is the minute before the alarm goes off. slurring and purring just like and engine or a cat after hes had a fifth. sometimes i hope i dont wake up, sometimes im scared that i wont. its funny how that scale works. its like our lady of justice peeking under the blindfold. if i could keep you still long enough id slip a rope around your finger or maybe even a silver band. detox to retox. hope and hype are just a letter off. sometimes, i try and forget that.
posted by xo at 12:03 PM
Thursday, May 17, 2007
if my conscience is a cricket then my heart is a wasp.
posted by xo at 12:20 AM
Sunday, May 13, 2007
ground control to major tom...
i can see that it kind of makes em sick in the pits of their stomachs when i smile.
or when i dont smile.
like they want it to impact but be forgotten.
im not sure you know how i was strung out but on something else.
how someone made you heavier and lighter all at once.
chaos in a wink of the eye.
and how its brushed off by something beyond it- that only speaks in whispers in crowded rooms- who only speaks of backyards and dog days. who only wants to drive south. who you wouldnt believe if i told you.
what if i said its all in reverse-
the things that broke me down years ago are just a shrug now.
a thumb and two fingers in.
i feel like a penny turned up the wrong way.
put me in the bowl in front of the register anyway.
let me change someones day.
posted by xo at 11:17 PM
ground control to major tom...
i can see that it kind of makes em sick in the pits of their stomachs when i smile.
or when i dont smile.
like they want it to impact but be forgotten.
im not sure you know how i was strung out but on something else.
how someone made you heavier and lighter all at once.
chaos in a wink of the eye.
and how its brushed off by something beyond it- that only speaks in whispers in crowded rooms- who only speaks of backyards and dog days. who only wants to drive south. who you wouldnt believe if i told you.
what if i said its all in reverse-
the things that broke me down years ago are just a shrug now.
a thumb and two fingers in.
i feel like a penny turned up the wrong way.
put me in the bowl in front of the register anyway.
let me change someones day.
posted by xo at 11:17 PM
Saturday, May 12, 2007
"i can hardly stand living but im afraid to die"
semisweet shadows lit in backrooms
would taste if they were baked into you
lost in my head
my gut has always been my compass
but lately ive been heaving it into gutters
and toilets
sex on tile floors next to bathroom sinks
fuck to forget fuck to remember
you smell of a grove of trees my family drove past for years when i was younger
its like a fortune cookie i opened 17 years early
or a palm reader that was set like a backdated check to age 27
i wouldnt dare say these words aloud as i fear they would set off a chemical reaction within me or you
or that they would come across like a foreign language straining for meaning
i feel like i have snapped awake out of a coma like in a bad movie
i want to get under your skin and its not just a metaphor mostly
your eyelashes kiss off everything i say except in the way that it only makes me dream
informercial love affair
you hair tipped blonde crashing on black roots
or at least thats the plan
if there ever is one
its like science but one i dont understand
turned in my badge and gun as far as anyone ever understanding me is concerned.
i like standing in the rain.
i like showing up late.
i like going home early.
i like having a short fuse.
i like the madness.
i am in love with it.
the shows have made me realize that there is no other reason for me to be on this planet besides connecting with you.
thank you for that.
you have never let me down.
i am magnetized to everything you do.
and you is you who is reading this.
you are concrete and boomerangs and everything i can count on.
thank you for that.
when my back feels like breaking. or my stomch feels like heav ing or my eyes feel like raining i will think of that.
remember this is real.
even when your head is spinning and your heart is fluttering.
we are on the inside.
the cage spins the bird free.
dont for a second think i have forgotten you or the way you make me smile on gray days or in stormyh weather.
posted by xo at 11:19 PM
Thursday, May 10, 2007
fucking nuts.
i dont care where our heads lie,
as long as yours is close to mine.
posted by xo at 3:46 AM
Sunday, May 06, 2007
i like blowing out other peoples birthday candles and stealing their wishes.
days inn- kind of has a different meaning when its days INside my head.
shut my eyes to keep the world out.
who have you become vs. who you are supposed to be.
been shittalking so much with people who are asleep on the inside.
their veins are pumping blood but their hearts just arent in it.
they blow over legal limits and their organs have put in their two weeks notice.
sometimes i write to keep the world out.
but most of the time i write to keep my world inside.
you have no idea what i do while you sleep.
im having a 2/3rd life crisis.
i got boring.
somewhere along the way.
where the wild things are turned into where the wilde things are.
i have played russian roulette exactly once in my life.
it was the single worst thing i have ever done in my life.
it doesnt matter what the proportions are on the girl to my direct right.
or the way her heart flutters faster than a hummingbird.
just the way she looks at me sometimes.
everything about me hangs on that....
on another note, sometimes the best nights all rest on winds and conversations you have in them.
posted by xo at 6:31 PM
Friday, May 04, 2007
ryan ross lives in my house right now.
had a falling out with myself.
we just dont speak so much anymore.
theres nobody carrying weight.
nobody with hART and sole.
im sick but theres no hospital to fix this kind of thing.
i day dream at night.
i call em all in the air.
sometimes i get it right.
the things i keep inside are worth double the ones anyone knows about.
almost caught a break, but im pretty sure it was a bad throw.
youre always getting caught, so am i.
i guess we are into the same kind of things.
posted by xo at 7:35 PM