nohartandsole

current occupation: selling fire in hell
Wednesday, August 29, 2007
wolves, oysters, clams and crickets.
its not my fault i was raised by
the world is mine
and im happy as a...
cos my conscience is my guide.
----------------------------
reading about the beatles.
falling back in love with life.
writing music.
make this bigger than a tshirt
or picture.
if we still can.
everything aside i still feel the same.
i truly love you and this, forgive me for when it seems like i dont.
im still trying to figure me out.

ps trying to cast all my worries aside. dylan said the first time he heard elvis it was like busting out of jail. thats how it felt the first time between the highway lines in the van. hope we can al find somethhing that gets us thru the night. uganda, the songs, this love all changed something in my head. hope i can find a practical application for it.
posted by xo at 12:55 AM
Thursday, August 16, 2007
eyes the size of the moon.
iron and wine "the trapeze swinger"
posted by xo at 4:00 AM
Wednesday, August 15, 2007
been writing poems for myself lately. different then i would have expected
most of them have homes already but there are a few orphans....
expresso.d.'d brain
nerves screaming
red square green in the sun that wont give up
absin-k
bounced checks and imbalances
the room spins me into a terrible green tornado
shoot my veins full of old birthday cake wax
cos theyve been alone all these years since
what helps get u thru the day
can make you go mad in the night

somewhere between the hell that is the souls of my feet
and the heaven that is the arch of my mind
is the purgatory of my hips
and i find myself floating through its vastness again every single night.
living a single file life is hard
but wives are like long division-
the way you always seem to be need but are
that memory itch just outside of where yr head can scratch
would you take yrself back to heartache if u could have yr teenage smile?
posted by xo at 4:11 PM
Friday, August 03, 2007
a note from sleep
good luck is:
sleeping on tile floors
grudges and hands we hold on to
hours of showers till the heat wont pour anymore
stalled cars looking out into the rain
the sleep that comes moments before the sun freezes our eyes open
hugs that remind you of the fuck that lies beneath them
boxers who fight for sweat
kids who love art but never talk about it
heirs to misfortune
warm naps in the afternoon
mans bestfriend
free love with no inflation
perfect imperrfections
hippies on motorcycles
pulling over the car for no reason
scars
dog teeth
desert skies
black outs on laterns full of fireflies
the opposite of clarity
puddles of sunshine
posted by xo at 3:43 PM
please
i understand everyone has their opinion.
but if you give a shit about this please stop being so devisive.
because our friendships mean more than the way you play us against eachother.
bone structure to heart to voice to love to spins to writing to ideals.
it is the only thing that has the chance of breaking this thing down.
stop tring to tear this apart.
stop your assumptions.
i only hope that our friendship is strong enough to withstand the pressure.
maybe this will get through.
everyone has something important to add and subtract.
you dont have it figured out from a picture or one conversation because we dont from 6 years of this.
please. dont push it over the edge.
going home to chicago to write and spend time making this stronger.
thanks to those who believe and who dont believe. both make sense to me.
posted by xo at 2:16 AM
Friday, July 27, 2007
the lemon generation part II: "the things i do just to make myself more attractive to you."
this is more of my diary from africa. again please be careful where this ends up cause its meant to be glossy and "celeb-rified".... thanks for hearing my thoughts even if they are kind of passing or boring:
struck out for "away" camp early. sneaking off on security. just wanted to feel indiana jones, only no hat and whip. we are on the backs of bodas on the red clay. mars dust in my mouth and on my sunglasses. the clouds scream golden as tho god himself was hiding just behind them (waiting for things to get good). my driver is tried and true. he reminds me of the way jack wrote of deans driving. we sped along... for once i existed beyond flashes, beyond the velvet ropes, beyond noho, beyond 900whatever, beyond the united states of.. beyond the milky way, beyond the solar system- waiting to be tamed just like in the old days...
i have a sense of impending doom
if we do not get out soon.
weve been roadblocked. machetes and spikes. fireflies can fly backwards and forwards, unfortunately for now we cannot. they are screaming at eachother, hate and spit hang on each word. i feel so small and alien. i fear for my life for the first time in a longtime. this is not indiana jones, there is no whip to pull us away- only shillings. today 5,000 of them were traded for my life. i dont want to remember or detail this or take it home with me. i want to pretend it never existed.
the airport in gulu is something of a punchline of a futurist's joke. though the humor would be lost on me. ive come to have a specific distaste for countries formerly colonized by the british if only for their adoration of "proper attire" at war with my own true love of sugar-y peanut butter. its a strange sight to see the poorest of the poor under the hot daggers of the african sun in long collared shirts and pants. at the airport i throw my cares over cultural sensetivity out the window (as i realize i am being sensitive to an anglo understanding of the civilizing of the uncivilized. and so it goes on and on until i cant understand my own head- for its become too hot to think). besides it would be nice to go home with more than just malaria and a farmers tan. so here i lay on the hot ground- dragons on my back, the blue eye sky on my face- shirtless. now realizing just how proper my attire is for the dusty dirt runway and questionable coke can of a prop which will carry us back to kampala. and away from the dirt and smiles and misery and love. there is an overwhelming desire with in each of us to put into words, to feel moved and changed by this trip- and i swear to god we each do in our own way, cameras on or cameras off. joking on the way hemingway lived through two back to back plane crashes in africa as we walk out onto the runway- able to romanticize everything- even a black out or a plane crash, so sad really- i laugh to/at myself. this is the magic of life. my shoes and all of my clothes are covered in a sort of red dirt- and at this point it seems like a better idea to throw them all away, with our cares, and start over rather than rinse them and constantly try to explain their history.
wishing away thoughts. it is in a nightlife minute that i realize i have to get out of this town. it doesnt believe in my love or my words- i want to remember, i want to forget the way i am a sad soul trapped in a happy body. i want to be owned by the simplicity of the midwest again...
life is a canyon and ive been on a cliff. i feel like im just falling in. from the plains of south africa at night. dear constellations please eat me alive- i am mad. the stars are so bright here they look million dollar movie set fake. digest me and turn me bright.
you are a world away truly, i will wait for it to spin around to me.
posted by xo at 1:22 PM
Wednesday, July 25, 2007
"feeling the pressure, under more scrutiny. what do i do? act more stupidly"
his and hers mood disorders.
my friend drinks Lean. i didnt get the reference until he fell asleep in the movies with me.
more like passed out.
but its really all the same plus or minus breathing patterns and r.e.m. sleep.
oh and a note to you:
the nuts and bolts of love arent something that ikea instruction plans can assemble.
posted by xo at 6:41 PM
loverboy
i just wanted to express my sincerest admiration and pride for our friends in gym class heroes.
yesterday their record was certified gold.
and an exflame is simply certifiable.
posted by xo at 4:22 PM
Friday, July 20, 2007
the lemon generation.
what follows are journal entries i wrote for myself personally on this trip. they are pretty boring and written terribly but i figured i would share this adventure with you... as the only reason WE are able to do this is YOU. each break is a seperate thought only they dont really make too much sense anyway.... please only share this with people you think would care, i dont feel like this should end up in some celebrity blog anywhere... ill add more later as this is just a few days. i apologize i am addicted to verbiage. thanks:
and today begins what may be the last real adventure of my life to a continent where life began. i am afraid and excited in a way i havent been in years.
gray skies, even grEy, leaving heathrow. time travelers. always backwards and forwards thru time. the lights of the coast bobbing with the bumps of the plane like buoys bobbing in the water. in a plane full of strange strangers were flying down the coast- which one, im not too sure, nor too concerned- im sure they are summering and waiting for life to crawl on as it jets by above them.
sheraton kampala- 8am today here, beats 3 am yesterday there.... the national language is english- though there are some 40 different dialects spoken in northern uganda alone. have not seen an insect or human worth having a conversation over or with yet. considering lowering my standards for one or both... and hoping as we leave and strike out for gulu that both the former and the latter become more foreign and intriguing. heres to hoping anyway. we drive everywhere in these funny taxis called "matutus"(?) the drivers speak little to no english anytime anything important needs to be communicated- and seem to have equally small regard for destination and speed limits- ah my kind of place. its strange to be surrounded by so many faces but feel so alone. at least coca-cola stuck their flag in this place- otherwise how could we beat the real thing (maybe who would even want to). first hour of the drive we get stuck in the mud, run out of gas and i have lost my malaria pills. we are off to a good start.
there is a torrential downpour outside. im guessing this is what they meant by rainy season. i cant imagine living here. (its not really hot at all this time of year. close to chicago in early september). as tho yr thoughts would never be able to dodge the rain drops as they fell- am i getting thru? i bet there is some great music and stories in those shanty towns we drove by. oh and the drive from kampala was semi-suicidal, cant believe we made it. dirtroads, dodging potholes and oncoming traffic- driving too fast for an ambush. i kept nodding off but patrick woke me up everytime he thought we might die. i wonder how many miles i am away from you right now?
t.i.a.- the acronym for the most applicable phrase ever. when the taxi never comes, or drops you off at the wrong spot, when the electricity goes off every single night, when there is sand in your rice- "this is africa" is simply what is said. at an ngo hotspot resturaunt- the only people that go to africa are christian or have a deathwish- not sure where we fit into that. so many white people it felt like the suburbs. there are over 100 ngos in gulu alone and the people still live in utter despair. at dinner people spoke of danger and missions- of the congo- the way people back home speak of gambling in vegas or frat parties. you win some, you lose some. the air everywhere smells acrid and burnt. ive been told its because people burn their trash here. walked part of the way in the pitch black , kind of as tho we had a mugger fantasy. oh well. ended up on the backs of "boda bodas"- these little 300cc motorbikes shooting off under the stars. and they never looked so goddamned bright anywhere on this planet as they do tonight in gulu. im gone.
i dont think anyone here wears a watch. honestly. its only either light or dark.
havent watched tv in awhile now. weeks, months. turned it on today- such a bore. spent the day in an idp camp pronounced "away" camp. tho i believe it is spelled completely different but the meaning of its misunderstanding is so profound. i am in a hole in my head. the rabbit went down but i havent fit since i was young. just in and out of sleep i have these visions. i dont know how to explain them. they would simply either bore you or scare you to death. they are between caring too much and not at all. between a detailed account and a jackson pollack mess. had them on the drive again. and again as the mosquito net rained around my dreamy head. i am intrigued by places that trade 4 seasons (not the one with roomservice) for a rainy season and a dry season. scratch what i said earlier at night it seems to be hot no matter what and in some occurences too hot to move or care. not sure of where i fit in this world.
i am convinced people can go bad, just like food.
there is more to this world than collagen and underwear-less crotch shots. i am convinced of this.
what we are filming is a dangerous idea- make no mistake of that.
i dont cry because the walls are too thin and i dont want anyone to hear me being human.
i awoke to a rainstorm that has never been heard in america. the kind that washes the sadness off the backs and out of the eyes of the tired and forgotten. it reminded me of how foreign this truly is. at toast and jam for breakfast again today. just two pieces. cause it was free. tho the westerner in my surely couldve eaten the whole loaf. toast is my favorite of all time. it is simple yet endows you with the feeling of timelessness and spacelessness. you could be eating this anywhere, anytime and it would even taste and feel the same for the most part.
i love times when everyone is asleep. the world seems to spin differently.
posted by xo at 11:39 AM
wowzers.
fobrock journal still isnt working so i will post in here:
we left uganda after having seen the best and worst mankind has to offer.
after having not been on the internet for a couple of days i come back to find that i am engaged, pregnant, and have a facebook account- haha in other hardhitting news i just saw a gossip blog that had pictures of real life leprachauns riding a unicorn- pretty amazing how sweet REAL life is.
by the way if you are not speaking to someone in fall out boy over at falloutboyrock.com you are NOT speaking to a member of fall out boy.
we came to uganda with a plan for a video- we completely scrapped it and changed it after arriving and have made what we believe is a much more compelling and dangerous video. i am excited for you to see it.
i feel changed- little things dont matter as much. this trip has brought us so much closer as friends. the band is stronger than ever.
take care.
thank you for your continued support of all of our endeavors.
sleep hard, wish well.
p
posted by xo at 9:36 AM
Thursday, July 12, 2007
adventure is in your head. the capacity for it, that is.
for some reason the journal over at fobrock isnt working.
but just wanted to say thank you- its amazing to see a little video we did for the internet go to number one on trl.
today we leave on a huge adventure.
more later for now.
all the aliases hemingway goes by:
hem
hembone
grape crush
lil dude
hemitrex le strange
puppy chow
bubba
bubs
the fat man
the fattest man
the sad man
the baby old man
(the last four are used by joe exclusively)
its no wonder he doesnt know his name.
oh yeah- there is a new remix of arms race floating around the internet. we like it alot. check it out if you get a chance.
posted by xo at 4:41 PM
Wednesday, July 11, 2007
patronus.
fixed gear friends with their handrolled tobacco
wearing scarves indoors
having abandoned che prints to the mall and taken up wearing the garb of the intifada
gaza chique
vintage misery
keep pumping the problems out
even if noones listening
or ever was
what if first timers really referred to cherries and not to crime
what if you could take it all back
been hiding in the house since becoming a househould name
i fear that things i hate in myself are the only things youve ever loved
and just because youve read every book on life doesnt mean you have ever lived
posted by xo at 2:45 PM

Saturday, July 07, 2007
waiting on the world to change
some people drink too much
talk too much
think too much
smile too much
ive got em all beat
crickets- but not in this city
and certainly not jiminy
its glowing with the heat of lightbulbs going off overheads
been staying up straight for the last week due to 6am flights and ideas
tommorrow is no different
wrote a long piece that hazily remembered tears going from left eye into right.. sideways on a tile floor
and another full of expectations and demands of the continent of africa....
sitting here unhindered by spellcheck or sentence structure
i am not of the head to press the submit button on either of these
they are derivitive and self indulgent-
not interested in championing misery, at least right now
instead i was thinking of how there is a spark of something great inside of almost every single person i have met in my entire life and that maybe it should be our task to blow on it and guard it, feed it ideas as dry wood- watch it burn.
instead of blowing it out.
easier said than done...
goodnight moon.
goodnight loves.
i hope to be back to my same miserable self in the morning. until then spark and travel safely in your head.
posted by xo at 10:20 PM
Friday, July 06, 2007
attendance records in the crowd of the today show broke their pervious record. as usual thank you.
weve been indoctrinated to crave the idea of the extraordinary ordinary
we accept the blogs and camera phones as mediums, not as in the transfer of information, but more closely defined to the idea of the spiritual medium...- as the prophets, the eye and pyramid on the dollar bill
we are just flies on the wall watching a culture have a nervous breakdown.
everyone is born between may 22 and june 22, even if theyre not- we are a gemini generation. we love to hate everything in other people that we hate about ourselves.
arrogantly insecure and vice versa.
and life lately is just always about the spins and collateral damage.
i drive zippers the way truckers know i80
sometimes the snow and ground frost shut us both down
in love with the idea of permanent impermanence.
so careful of stuttered over articulation, as though saying the word better would somehow make it mean more.
the worlds worst kind of diary.
pulled the pause button off of every electronic gadget in my home- i despise it so.
strangely fulfilled by the idea of loving strangers and hating my few remaining friends.
how there had to be an inkling in the head of neal armstrong to just stay on the moon and wait for the air to run out, besides the fact thats what we are all doing sort of in the long run only he'd have a better view.
posted by xo at 2:13 PM
Wednesday, July 04, 2007
over being suicIDLE
if the opposite is true than of course
bad things happen to good people
of this i am convinced
love only has legs
so it can runaway
damn the chesire cats and white rabbits all to hell
reading keuroac across the country is something everyone should do
its funny that a confidence man inspires just the opposite
cresting on waves
i wait for my dreams to break on the sand
breathing white cities off the map into your nose
there is mint in the japanese eye drops im using.
they feel like little piece of glass at war with my pupils.
but they bleach my eyes white even sleep couldnt save me.
i love a girl that makes me howl at the moon crazy
i wish i had a guitar or a pen right now so badly
i feel like the santa maria-
third in line of discovery
i want to find a new world with you in hand
this has been the summer of my life
true love
i cant wait to make it back to you all
i have chemicals to erase my old troubles and welcome new ones with open arms
finding the right formulas, adding and subtracting myself from myself
i am dreaming of the walrus and mysteries
and you cause you never know: just kick rocks, kid.
i wrote a story of this summer- i want my band to finish it and add their pieces- but i cant wait for you to read/hear it.
i had a spark that just wouldnt start
youll find asleep in the lobby of an airport somewhere
waiting for delays to begin or end
waiting to fly forward or back in time, only away from now
excuse me but this starts/stops and jumps from the limits of the pen
i cant fit all my thoughts onto the back of this dirty american airlines ticket
summer is when i still feel the most free
was reading of the late sixties, of dylan and a golden era
made me want this so much more
so glad i have three genuine people in my life no matter the first weeks or flashes
crush on me like new love or a drug
posted by xo at 12:36 AM
Saturday, June 30, 2007
I have a new girlfriend
The iphone.
posted by xo at 4:46 PM
Thursday, June 28, 2007
the pretend
i never really appreciate the compliments people give me. i feel like people say them because they feel like they have to- "youre hot"- except in my head i dont see myself that way so it doesnt mean a thing. "you played great tonight"- except i probably didnt because its not really my thing. "i love your words"- except they only make sense to me out of patricks mouth. "i love you"- but you wouldnt if you knew me. and so on.
but the other day my friend told me: "you have an incredible sense of the pretend". and it made me shake. just in the way that its all i believe. i dont care too much for the ins and outs of the world we are inside. i like the one in my head far better. it is not chronological or pragmatic. but it meant alot to me.
as did this...
so i cant fully remember writing this entry. that is because my brain is scattered and resets all of the time. the only thing i save room for are faces and memories. maybe it is a collection of entries. but apparantly someone cared enough to remember or patch together an entry from a year ago... so thank you (i think they made little changes or additions here and there). its funny because i am in vancouver all over again, it rings so much more true now.


"and like florence nightingale and nurses through history. we fall in love with those were protecting and curing. we dream big and then wake up everyday and hunch over computer screens. and everytime we let our fingers go it amounts to a little more than the worlds smallest violin paying just for you. here i am half asleep between vancouver and salt lake city. can't remember the last time i had a conversation with you that wasn't from between the dotted lines of the highway. i don't want sheep or parrots. i feel like we have a vested interest in each other. it's love of sorts. you were there in the beginning, you've stuck around when everyone else climbed aboard, i hope you're there when it's gone. for all the times we've come off course, you have always served as a compass. steady. unforgiving. at times hard to find. but you were always there. this probablly isn't worth your time to read. but as long as you do we'll keep playing small, secret shows. we'll keep writing this. we'll keep ignoring what they say. this is we- everyone- the haters, the newbies, the so, the ckk, ock. a collective [[sigh of relief]]. everyone always asks what's the cure of growing up? this is it. it's you. the smiling faces screaming and 'doging' security in the front row. the kid that waits outside after the show until their hands are blue just to say hi. don't ever let me fucking forget it. we don't deserve this. but now that we got it. we will do our best to keep it like a kiss in the corner of our mouths. for our heads to your speakers, to your ears, to your mouths, to you, your fingers, to us, to our mistakes, to our heads and back. the new songs are coming. what if for one moment we became everyone we dreamed we could be? there is a buzzing from outside of this darkened room. as though if i walked down the hallway past their sleeping faces, red in the warmth of the afternoon. i would walk into the first day of my life. light gleaming off the windshield- like the wizard of oz after the color washes over everything. like i could start all over again- only with the same faces that are imprinted on my heart forever. and my same bed. and dogs. and ex- loves. and friends. save your troubles for another day, they wern't at the end of the hallway. baby boy, you're too busy writing tragedy to notice. we're shaping up to do big things. and you're nothing special. except.. what if you are? "
posted by xo at 8:01 PM
everything real in love and life comes without batteries included
The world is your oyster, what does that mean? That I'm just grinding sand waiting to be sucked down by box dye blondes and chased with hynotik. .... dumb-luck, but there's no such thing as smart luck. Think It got us kicked out of vegas. Happy as a clam but how happy can clams be? Dreaming of being steamed or robbed of their only worldly possession, pearls, sounds like a total soccer mom fantasy- only with upscale spas and mugger fantasies. I am a starfish waiting to regenerate a point. Till then, I am kind of pointless. I got a bad rap for not caring but I still pay taxes and wear my seat-belt in back seats- though I'm considering changes. I am a fixer-upper. Feeling the buzz but too far off the hive for any of the other bees to get it. And man I gotta tell you, the years are like friends in your old hometown. They stop being so friendly. They only want to reminisce. And no matter what they keep moving and changing you whether you want them to or not. The doctor says I need to stop talking with my fist and do more talking with my mouth. I told him I was never too great at that either- that it was usually my mouths talking that had to get my fist involved in the conversation. He said well then I had better start throwing a good left or hope I can play bass one handed. Neither seems too reasonable right now. Thinking maybe I should just stop all together. I order every movie in hotel rooms just so I don't feel alone. Its a very home alone moment for me, you know without the holiday music and cute culkin looks, but I'm hoping you are catching my drift anyway. Yes, for those who wonder there are other journals online. Sometimes I kind of leave bread-crumbs to get home to them for you. Sometimes I just space out. I also have a pen and paper diary and some letters and what not that I have been typing on my typewriter. I've been working on other visual art too, nothing I like well enough to show anyone. Its more for my own piece of mind. Drive, fuck, and sleep safe. I'd like to know that you awaken in the morning with out a headache or blurry eyes. Love is in the air, just get ourselves the right equipment to grab it. Its like moths headed for the brightest light, which aint me. But I'm ready to sweat and run and get there. And just cause you got a scar on your wrist or a charcoal stomach, were supposed to get eachother? Cause I don't really even get me. I'm too busy calling everyone else crazy- in these late slurred debates on how everyone else is not exactly like us- to worry about you calling me crazy. Tho all the other rhymes for crazy work on me lazy, hazy, etc.
someone has some great pictures of this past week. if i find any, ill post some.
posted by xo at 3:21 PM
Tuesday, June 26, 2007
dear man in the mirror: get over yourself.
i love it when people wonder how its gonna end.
my right hand is fucked.
boxers fracture im pretty sure and a cut down the front that we super glue every night.
if i shake you yr hand with my left thats why.
im clumsy-
with both actions and words.
what happens in vegas stay in vegas except for when brendon hit me with a bowling ball.
deaths just the other bookend on this thing, so who cares.
posted by xo at 12:28 AM
Friday, June 22, 2007
the AMERICAN dayDREAMer - die-a-tribe
when they rip the tickets i hope im on the ride with you. sleepless in seattle and pretty much everywhere else- wont bore you with the details, but actually i probably will. you dont have to be a train to come off track. dont have to have feathers to flee the coop. i dont gotta tell you about my adventures, i keep them in my head and forget them and remember them every once in awhile. i watch them on projector screens while you are talking about your magazine or countdown. were flypaper baby- but nothings sticks. molded from teflon and porcelain. doesnt take much shining around for you to want to get back under that rock you crawled out from. i found a point when i was searching for pointlessness. i found a love when i was looking for madness. gonna save your sweat for when we get to heaven. autocratic hearts and throats- tongues loving on the skin and words- listening too carefully and robbing them of their beauty. you only think im blooming when im wilting on the outside. dying to be dearly forgotten, not wrongly remembered. florescent yellow in the toilet bowl. i love holding strangers hands, pulses matching, beating just off the p.a. speakers. you dont have to sell me on how this isnt real, cause my guts are whats in deep not my head or my heart. sometimes i get the feeling when i walk into a room like im in some movie from the forties where ive been shipwrecked and marooned on a desert island, only to return to a life that is no longer mine. or maybe just a raft adrift, except i slept through the s.o.s. calls. the caveman frozen in ice analogy works as well, only i am too lazy to transcribe it. im projecting. im bobbing and weaving. im deflecting. only cos i want to mean more than all of this. i lost it at woodrow and nichols, brakes ground to my teeth. just a kid strung out on neon lights.
posted by xo at 1:30 PM
Wednesday, June 20, 2007
notes on change
i hate explaining my own interpretations to people. id rather you come up with your own- but this one seems to be pretty glaring....
there is a distinct difference between the idea "seasons change, but people dont" and the idea "everyone changes". this difference is simply the connotations of the two. in the former: the idea is brought forth that there are certain parts of you that are inherently there. forever. whether they are a part of your DNA or how you were raised- they are so deep and solidly rooted they cannot change. to me these are your ideals, your morality, your internal monologue. they remain constant though are defined differently as your mind and heart mature. to simplify, people who are kind have something switched on within them that will not change. on the other extreme malicious people will always be malicious. not to say there isnt gray area between the two- where someone who is kind can act maliciously and vice versa. obviously there are more rare examples where something can impact someone in such a tremendous way that it will cause a deep change in them. these remain constant through celebrity, through tragedy, through happiness, through loss. i can feel certain things in myself and ways that i know i will always feel- no matter what else changes around me. if you read my actual diary entries from when i was 14 to now, while the language and subject matter has changed- and hopefully has gotten a bit better. my subconscious impacting me and my decisions seems to remain faithful. however, what was meant by the latter "everyone changes, i used to be tiny", is the idea of growing up. honestly, i am not who i was a year ago or 5 years ago or 10 years ago. i think i would hate myself if i never changed. this is an experiment more than anything. if new cultures, people, and art didnt impact me and change me than this would be fraudulent. we expect any of our fans who have been with us from the beginning have grown and changed. i hope most of these changes are for the better, though i know i am human and make mistakes. sometimes i turn right when i should have turned left. but anything you loved or hated about me from the beginning have not changed- these are the things that make us each different from each other and either magnetize or polarize from others.
posted by xo at 1:07 PM
Tuesday, June 19, 2007
eddie money "take me home tonight".
so obvious but: i fucking hate this sugar free low carb diet world. i want the wild fucking west. i want love in handcuffs. i want more scars. i dont want this fucking future. meth bake sales to lower global warming. sweat shop work to burn calories. i hope this ship burns before it sinks. i hope this planes air goes bad before it crashes. i dont want this to be an affair anymore, i want to walk down the aisle with catastrophe. lets go to hell just for the weekend. your happiness is making me miserable. waste the time of my life. and if that mocking bird wont sing, im gonna buy you a diamond ring.
i only feel in love on the stage and on the side of a pillow. everything in between just makes me wish myself to pieces. please dont put me back together, keep me in a box under your bed.
posted by xo at 12:52 AM
Sunday, June 17, 2007
paula abdul and that cartoon cat.
i may be just a dime store prophet. but youre a dollar store whore. so i guess i am on the up. thunder on runways cant even kill the boredom. the tips of my fingers bruised from the letters on the typewriter. but if feels so much more final than this. and that is why i love it. and i said the last time i was put in handcuffs it was over a can of spraypaint. she said 'someday i want to spraypaint with you". and that is why i love her. in a backyard, lying on the couch on a sunday kind of way. one that is not explained or thought out. but runs up the back of your legs to the back of your head and crashes out of my mouth whenever you show up. what keeps your head together when you feel the tilt and spin of the world. what keeps those club jaws grinding in between the trips to the bathroom. the best week never. theyre taking stabs at me while im leaning and yawning, but sometimes YOU get through. pinpricks become blackholes and i feel my moods pulled into them. whats up with my obsession with your obsessions. been writing so much lately the paper is starting to add up. theres a part of me that wants to take a match to it sometimes late at night- the same part inside that cant walk next to balconies for fear that i am going to jump off of them.
i can make a mess of anything. but its strange to say when a stranger can bring you peace. you just swaying in the heat of the meet and greet. a face and a voice i dont know. just a tap on the shoulder and a "keep your chin up" from you. but there was a kindness there that brought me back. thank you.
posted by xo at 1:22 PM
Thursday, June 14, 2007
lullabye.
everybody is dropping like flies.
the truth is i am a slave to my head and my thoughts, not the other way around.
i am the hand up the skirt of this moment. over underwear, under pants.
under medicated. underwhelmed.
me and you in a not so private corner.
duke it out with our lips and teeth.
ill find the love if its there between your cavities.
dust it off.
its a cold hard ride back from where ive been.
what ive seen.
and what ive done.
or how ive come undone.
apples that make your teeth bleed
love that makes my heart coma-
keep careful count of your tears in that corner-
the market is shit.
they arent going for what they used to.
keep em in a jar-
bury them in a wine cellar.
so you can remember when you felt like just a madman.
im a trust junkie.
i need a fix.
i have so much i want to say. none of it is eloquent or poetic- referencing change and belief- lies and betrayal. how sometimes this ride doesnt feel fun anymore, when the press is controlling it. i will post when i have formulated all of the thoughts. i am tired of constantly defending this, its enough to defend it to the world- but to defend it to believers has drained me. i am only human, a kind of lousy one at that. i am 1/4 of this thing that has felt magical to me for so long. i dont want to lose it. i hope this makes some sense.
i hope i am a boomerang on its way back not some stone sinking in the sea.
thank you to everyone who has stood beside this and me- in both the light and the dark. it means more than a handshake or hug or song,,,
on a good note. the video felt genuinely fun to make. so thank you for taking part in it. the smiles are real.
goodnight.
posted by xo at 11:49 PM
Tuesday, June 12, 2007
cantsleepcantsleepcantsleep
dont you feel bad for the suicidal cat thats stuck with 9 lives.
my head only goes from zero to rage.
like a domesticated animal giving into instinct.
carved our names into a tree
and i dont care that i saw it first in some movie.
i think ill always go back and see if it sticks.
i feel like the santa maria. like i got there just after the discovery.
heads like this are gonna go extinct.
posted by xo at 5:53 AM
Monday, June 11, 2007
counting sheep and you.
tour life has got my fingers spitting from a pornographed philosophers mind. girls with bruises in designer patterns. too full off the diet pills to be hungry for iceburg lettuce and water lite when it shows up. i trapped you in my head a long time ago. i am a treasure chest filled with trash. two orders: one near tears and one beer tears. just put em on my tab.
dont you dare tell me about true fucking love. i spit and punched and blood for it. and now i want to sleep inside of it.
posted by xo at 1:39 PM
Saturday, June 09, 2007
late night snack.
the light splashes in and out. its almost violent. everything rational inside of me tells me that its the dull white of a voicemail. but my eyes are playing tricks on me. i see it purple textured velvet. the tv is blaring whatever. i can see light is sneaking in the cracks everywhere of this suite. like vermin. take a vote, the eyes have it. there is too much space here. between me and everything else in this room. i wish i had a habit bad or not just to pass the time. just trying to fight the big black sadness.
posted by xo at 12:06 PM
Thursday, June 07, 2007
fuck the palm readers, i love mirror breakers.
i have an obsession with sitting inside a confessional in church and hearing someone else spill their guts for once.
id almost take an oath for it.
get me out of new york.
this city only gets me up to making bad decisions.
love, the last boy.
posted by xo at 10:40 PM
"the christian in christian dior, damn they dont make them like they used to anymore..."
if i bashed your head in how good would the secrets be that poured out.
posted by xo at 4:00 PM
Wednesday, June 06, 2007
its easy to get older not so much wiser
"pooh"
"yes, piglet"
"nothing, i just wanted to be sure of you"...
posted by xo at 8:40 AM
Monday, June 04, 2007
goodbye the longest year of my life.
sometimes i want to blow my head but not in a hottopic kind of way.
i am global warming.
i am toxic.
sometimes i am glad i saved everything for a rainy day.
i am a wish.
i am under your skin.
i love you and life:
separate but never equal.
fuck it.
its all okay.
"Too young to hold on and too old to just break free and run..."
posted by xo at 8:05 PM
Thursday, May 31, 2007
"i dont believe...." anymore.
i have no words.
posted by xo at 5:47 PM
Wednesday, May 30, 2007
he said i belong locked up in a hospital somewhere so ill forget who i am. jokes on him. i never really knew who i was.
what has this become?
a question only countered in some monster movie madness.
sometimes spewed out just before the
signal down.
the wizard of oz in reverse.
from color to black and white.
i am completely obsessed with everyone who is completely unobsessed with me.
or sometimes with life.
and by life i dont mean heartbeats and breathing.
i mean 9 to fives and becoming the suburbs.
the complete fuck off of it all being that i am completely obsessed with backyards, christmas trees and lemonaid stands.
its like the northshore is my heaven, the valley is my golden gates.
excuse mne for nodding off.
always boring myself to death.
take a chill pill.
the story of my life
the unauthorized biography written by myself.
i dont even remember saying goodbye to you.
happiness is the sand in the sea.
its just a percentage of a percentage inside a body of water,
life is just a crocodile with a ticking clock inside of it chasing captain hook.
its just i havent figured out this graceful aging thing so well yet.
im sorry baby. my heart is clumsy. but i love you in a holding your hair back kind of way.
just wanna dip my toe into death to see if its a warm bath.
anytime anything breaks me open ever i just spit out a fortune.
if it means anything i spend my time with a bunch of people who ignore the vibrant sky and just look for the pot of gold at the end.
addicted to addiction.
curiosity killed the cat. but what the fuck did loyalty ever get the dog.
posted by xo at 2:05 AM
Friday, May 25, 2007
everyone
is either full of diet pills or shit.
and usually its both.
posted by xo at 12:27 AM
Thursday, May 24, 2007
10 years at sea for one day on shore.
"And I can deal with some psychic pain
If it'll slow down my higher brain
Veins full of disappearing ink
Vomiting in your kitchen sink"
i can kind of see this thing going a couple of different ways. the screen pressed close against the side of my face. ear to the speaker cause i have smashed all the others that project the songs inside this stupid box. my face this close to the keys, taunting me. "i can do whatever i want"s, "i can eat my dinner in a fancy restraunt"s. there is no semblance of meaning. ice cold blue lips, vocal chords and toungue in the back of my head with everything i wish i could say. the tip of the iceberg of a credit check on the emotionally bankrupt. curse phone service or rejoice in it depending on which end of the line we are on. looking for the last life jacket on this sinking ship called life. throw your "overdramatic"s out the window. throw your "old you"s in your fucking face. i get it it. i got it. i gut it. the sun sets and rises on the same old mood. the world has become a dangerous place to me- in my head and outside of it. cant seem to shake it. all roads lead back nowhere. the wilderness of the inside of your brain- which seems to drive your body whenever your heart or crotch is not at the helm. i feel like a slow motion replay of a crash that never happened. wanted to be an anthem not an away message. most of the time dont want to be anything at all. when you are alone is when you audit yourself. you become who you truly are. or arent. there arent any cliffs to throw yourself upon and theres no romance in just: me.


last year i made a list of songs to listen to in the dark when you are all alone. i figured i would do the same again:
donny hathaway "a song for you"
eliott smith " a fond farewell"
the chemical brothers "close your eyes"
damien rice "9 crimes"
beck "lost cause"
beth hart "leave the light on"
the smashing pumpkins "ava adore"
david bowie "space oddity"
iron and wine "such great heights"
stevie wonder "they wont go"
saves the day "hold"
bjork "hyperballad"
bright eyes "coat check dream song"
prince "nothing compares 2 u"
the supremes "where did our love go"
ben folds "the luckiest"
jeff buckley "hallelujah"
i said "i kind of wish i was a pirate"
and she replied "you pretty much are"
how could i not love that?
posted by xo at 8:27 PM
Sunday, May 20, 2007
i actually know someone whos middle name is danger
a cayahoga falling out. class four class five. id still take em. letters all over printed on every piece of luggage ever. you think you found gold every single time. she is the call just before the street lights go out. she is the minute before the alarm goes off. slurring and purring just like and engine or a cat after hes had a fifth. sometimes i hope i dont wake up, sometimes im scared that i wont. its funny how that scale works. its like our lady of justice peeking under the blindfold. if i could keep you still long enough id slip a rope around your finger or maybe even a silver band. detox to retox. hope and hype are just a letter off. sometimes, i try and forget that.
posted by xo at 12:03 PM
Thursday, May 17, 2007
and
if my conscience is a cricket then my heart is a wasp.
posted by xo at 12:20 AM
Sunday, May 13, 2007
ground control to major tom...
i can see that it kind of makes em sick in the pits of their stomachs when i smile.
or when i dont smile.
like they want it to impact but be forgotten.
im not sure you know how i was strung out but on something else.
how someone made you heavier and lighter all at once.
chaos in a wink of the eye.
and how its brushed off by something beyond it- that only speaks in whispers in crowded rooms- who only speaks of backyards and dog days. who only wants to drive south. who you wouldnt believe if i told you.
what if i said its all in reverse-
iamalonewhentheyflyyououtofmylifelikeamothinforcedflightawayfromthelight.
the things that broke me down years ago are just a shrug now.
a thumb and two fingers in.
i feel like a penny turned up the wrong way.
put me in the bowl in front of the register anyway.
let me change someones day.
posted by xo at 11:17 PM
ground control to major tom...
i can see that it kind of makes em sick in the pits of their stomachs when i smile.
or when i dont smile.
like they want it to impact but be forgotten.
im not sure you know how i was strung out but on something else.
how someone made you heavier and lighter all at once.
chaos in a wink of the eye.
and how its brushed off by something beyond it- that only speaks in whispers in crowded rooms- who only speaks of backyards and dog days. who only wants to drive south. who you wouldnt believe if i told you.
what if i said its all in reverse-
iamalonewhentheyflyyououtofmylifelikeamothinforcedflightawayfromthelight.
the things that broke me down years ago are just a shrug now.
a thumb and two fingers in.
i feel like a penny turned up the wrong way.
put me in the bowl in front of the register anyway.
let me change someones day.
posted by xo at 11:17 PM
Saturday, May 12, 2007
"i can hardly stand living but im afraid to die"
semisweet shadows lit in backrooms
would taste if they were baked into you
lost in my head
my gut has always been my compass
but lately ive been heaving it into gutters
and toilets
sex on tile floors next to bathroom sinks
fuck to forget fuck to remember
you smell of a grove of trees my family drove past for years when i was younger
its like a fortune cookie i opened 17 years early
or a palm reader that was set like a backdated check to age 27
i wouldnt dare say these words aloud as i fear they would set off a chemical reaction within me or you
or that they would come across like a foreign language straining for meaning
i feel like i have snapped awake out of a coma like in a bad movie
i want to get under your skin and its not just a metaphor mostly
your eyelashes kiss off everything i say except in the way that it only makes me dream
informercial love affair
you hair tipped blonde crashing on black roots
or at least thats the plan
if there ever is one
its like science but one i dont understand
turned in my badge and gun as far as anyone ever understanding me is concerned.
i like standing in the rain.
i like showing up late.
i like going home early.
i like having a short fuse.
truly.
i like the madness.
i am in love with it.
the shows have made me realize that there is no other reason for me to be on this planet besides connecting with you.
thank you for that.
you have never let me down.
i am magnetized to everything you do.
and you is you who is reading this.
you are concrete and boomerangs and everything i can count on.
thank you for that.
when my back feels like breaking. or my stomch feels like heav ing or my eyes feel like raining i will think of that.
goodnight.
remember this is real.
even when your head is spinning and your heart is fluttering.
we are on the inside.
the cage spins the bird free.
dont for a second think i have forgotten you or the way you make me smile on gray days or in stormyh weather.
posted by xo at 11:19 PM
Thursday, May 10, 2007
fucking nuts.
i dont care where our heads lie,
as long as yours is close to mine.
posted by xo at 3:46 AM
Sunday, May 06, 2007
i like blowing out other peoples birthday candles and stealing their wishes.
days inn- kind of has a different meaning when its days INside my head.
shut my eyes to keep the world out.
who have you become vs. who you are supposed to be.
been shittalking so much with people who are asleep on the inside.
their veins are pumping blood but their hearts just arent in it.
they blow over legal limits and their organs have put in their two weeks notice.
sometimes i write to keep the world out.
but most of the time i write to keep my world inside.
you have no idea what i do while you sleep.
im having a 2/3rd life crisis.
i got boring.
somewhere along the way.
where the wild things are turned into where the wilde things are.
i have played russian roulette exactly once in my life.
it was the single worst thing i have ever done in my life.
it doesnt matter what the proportions are on the girl to my direct right.
or the way her heart flutters faster than a hummingbird.
just the way she looks at me sometimes.
everything about me hangs on that....
on another note, sometimes the best nights all rest on winds and conversations you have in them.
thanks.
posted by xo at 6:31 PM
Friday, May 04, 2007
ryan ross lives in my house right now.
had a falling out with myself.
we just dont speak so much anymore.
theres nobody carrying weight.
nobody with hART and sole.
im sick but theres no hospital to fix this kind of thing.
i day dream at night.
i call em all in the air.
sometimes i get it right.
the things i keep inside are worth double the ones anyone knows about.
almost caught a break, but im pretty sure it was a bad throw.
youre always getting caught, so am i.
i guess we are into the same kind of things.
posted by xo at 7:35 PM