secretjournals

"Thursday, August 9, 2007dont waste your time on me.you can hold my hand if you want to.driving backwards through traffic with the pedal to the floor, paddling and diving towards the sand at the bottom of the sea, watching for the glint of teeth in the distance, watching for the flash of silver on the seafloor. engraved with faces i dont remember. you learn about this kind of thing in school.dont make this easy. i want you to mean it.all of my friends are doe-eyed and i feel like i'm holding a ball of dark matter close to my chest - tentacles of freezing and cold wrapping around my neck and forcing my head inwards and sucking me in. gradual descent into madness, depression or indifference. i want to be forgotten so i wont have any standards anymore, or anyone to think about when i drive over the edge. my heart is as cold as the clouds of your breath as you walk through the dark of los angeles. it doesnt snow here, at least not that way. we have white powder mist floating across the skyline and drifting into sleeping brains. instant intoxication without reason.reality is just how you look at the facts. my doe-eyed friends are obsessed with things that i cant understand. i just want to sleep and lose my memory. i just want to breathe cold air for the rest of my life. fuck love. fuck everything. i am absolute and infinite as a single being - my bones will lie petrified in the mountains for thousands of years. when they dig me up nothing will be left of my ridiculous haircuts or stupid smile, just my teeth and my skull and the parts that used to make up my fingers and ribcage. sense and science or fakes and liars. i dont know what to believe except that i can sit in a chapel and feel comforted by the candles and black-robed saints but i cant look into the sky and fall in love with the idea that everything is expanding outwards forever and it will never be finished and it is huge and unbeatable and unknowable.please excuse the rivers blooming in my brain. i dont know how to hold things back and this is the proof. just dont tell me if you feel the same - i dont want to admit that i am human and that i have this big weakness.you can dance if you want to.Posted by xo at 4:09 AM""Tuesday, July 3, 2007you are the best song ever written.my heart matches the beat (of the world) perfectly.i feel at peace with everything, which is rare for me.i'm out of breath but still grinning ear to ear.every time you stumble over your words but you keep smiling.it makes this worth it.feel the echoes of the stadium flushing through your body.cry out and raise your fists into the air.this is your anthem.nothing would ever matter if you weren't around.this has always been our fight club.dance until your shoes wear away and your legs refuse to work.sing until your lips are dry and chapped.jump until the earth shakes with your spirit.most importantly: shine smiles on me as i walk by.thank you for being my light.i cannot make it without you.we're just dressing up what's always been there.four boys and the crowd of lunatics who love them.this makes everything worth it.Posted by xo at 2:52 AM "

"Sunday, August 12, 2007i am and it will (love beats the demon)the stars are coming outlook up in the brassy skyand there they are likeblooming pocket change.you bet on somethingyou wish you had10,000 to bet onsomething where the odds are good.i'm betting all those starsyou don't win shit.curled luggage occupants, wrapped around eachother, waiting to be used and thrown awayblankets that thousands have slept in, it's a strange feeling to know that you are tossing and turning and clenching your eyes shut underneath the same sheets someone might have had their honeymoon in.cotton double-beds housing drowsing nods, the winks and blinks of eyes and knives.crystal beautiful snow white, friend of thousands but married specifically to you and you alone. this is my true friend. i wont want to repeat this later but this may be my only true friend.sand trapped under eyelids.no matter how much i brag about a strong wall between me and the cares of the planet, i know that everyone sees through it. you cant be me and be completely cut off from the way the world works - it doesnt add up.i want to be taken as i am and loved regardless of what i've done. strip off my skin and take a walk down the street. tiptoe down the paths of the great, and though invisible i will become as they were. or at least in my mind.in heaven i do not want to be held on a crowd of people who think they know me. i would rather look at them from a passing nimbus and smile knowing what they do not.i would rather know what i have done and get no recognition than for the cosmos to put me on a pedestal. you cant live with that kind of pressure or that kind of adoration without hitting some sort of breaking point.(i'm glad to say that you and i are friends and my offer still stands.)Posted by xo at 2:50 AM "